Video shared by Brian. New Found Glory is an awesome band :) First heard them my freshmen year in high school from this guy in my class named Matt. Once I took a listen I was hooked lol
Enjoy this song :)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
My Life: The not so good stuff...
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what has happened in my life up until now. I have to say, most of it sucked. I don’t think I’ve ever really shared the whole story with anyone. I’m still iffy about sharing this, but I think sometimes doing the hard thing is what makes things easier. I'm going to share it in parts. The not so good stuff, the good stuff, and what I've learned from all of it so far. Today we start with the not so good stuff...
I’m going to start from the very beginning. I was born to an alcoholic father and a schizophrenic mother. My grandma and my grandpa took over raising me. I was really close to my grandpa. He would take me to Mcdonald’s almost every morning for breakfast. I remember sitting next to him (he would always sit in his recliner) and we would watch Mexican music videos. I have pictures of my grandpa and I remember him well through those pictures but he passed away in May 1993 a month after I turned 5 years old. I don’t know how I was feeling at that time, but I remember changing. I had been a very outgoing little girl and I loved talking. Afterwards I became a little quiet. I remember being with my cousin Tracy the day of his funeral. She was my favorite person next to my grandpa. I remember sitting in her car with her trying not to cry. I didn’t want to cry (even then I didn’t like crying). She told me that it was ok to cry. That it was ok to miss him. She had tears falling down her face as she was telling me this. I have this other memory of her. I don’t remember how old I was. It might have been sometime after my grandpa passed away but I don’t remember. Anyways, we had gone to this flea market or something or maybe it was the outdoor mall in downtown Fresno. I remember the store we had gone into was kind of underground. Anyways, she bought me this puppy dog that had Velcro on its belly so it could “give birth” to puppies. I loved that toy so much! In August 1993 she died in a car accident. I was 5 years old and had experienced the loss of two people I was really close to.
I was so afraid of losing my grandma next that I couldn’t sleep in my own room anymore. I slept with my grandma until I was 13. I would start off in my bed then wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and hop into bed with her. I became really close with my grandma. She was like my mom but she did what most grandmas do, spoil their grandkids. I was the most spoiled of them all, it’s because my grandma loved me the best though she would never admit it. I loved the special times my grandma and I would have in the mornings eating oatmeal with sourdough bread. I miss her oatmeal. She would always make me breakfast in the morning and when I came home from school there was always food ready to be eaten. Almost everything she cooked was my favorite. I was a very very picky eater growing up. I have many wonderful memories of my childhood but it is mostly plagued with the bad memories.
My mom didn’t like to take her medication and every so often would show up at the house and attempt to harm my grandma. Every time this would happen the police were called. I don’t know how many times the police were called but they were called a lot. One time, my mom came to the house when my grandma wasn’t home and took my brother and me. She took us to this hotel near the fairgrounds. She was so mad at my grandma and I had no idea why. She wouldn’t let me call her. She called my nino and nina. They came to buy us some food. My mom went into the store with my brother and I stayed in the car with my nino. He took me to a store down the street to call my grandma. He told my mom he wanted to take me to get something special. I talked to my grandma and she was so worried about us. I missed her so much I just wanted to go home. My nino said he would take me and he would come back for my brother. This wasn’t just to help my mom out this was a rescue mission. I didn’t want to go without my brother though. I couldn’t leave him alone with my mom I didn’t know what would happen to him. Eventually she came to her senses and she took us back home. I hated my mom from that point on. I couldn’t understand how someone could do that to their child. There was another incident that happened with my mom. She came to the house in one of her episodes and was threatening to kill my grandma. My grandma had retreated to her room. My mom was yelling all kinds of things about my grandma and how much she hated her. I started yelling at my mom for the things she was saying about my grandma. The next thing I knew she was coming at me with the knife. My grandma came in through the hall way and yelled at my mom about what she was doing. My grandma took my hand and led me to her room where we locked the door. I was shaking. My mom was still yelling but I wasn’t paying attention anymore. My grandma and I escaped from the house got into the car and drove to my nino and ninas house. The whole car ride my grandma was trying to explain to me that I shouldn’t hate my mom. She doesn’t know what she is doing. She’s sick and the only way for her to get better was to keep taking her meds. She told me that my mom didn’t think anything was wrong and so wouldn’t take her meds. My grandma was trying to convince me that my mom was a good person. I just couldn’t see it at that time.
My dad wasn’t around much. I didn’t know my dad well. I remember one time I went up to visit him and at the end of the week when I was supposed to go home he didn’t want to take me home. He wanted me to stay with him. I didn’t want to stay with him I wanted my grandma. I called my grandma (his mom) and she drove in the middle of the night to Sacramento to pick me up. Boy did my dad get an earful. We stopped at Denny’s to eat and she tried to explain to me that my dad wasn’t bad he just made bad decisions because of his alcohol problem.
It was about after the time my mom tried to “kill” me (about 12, maybe 13) that I began to become abusive towards myself. I hated myself. I didn’t like the way I looked. I didn’t like that I couldn’t do the things that I wanted to do. I hated the fact that I didn’t have a mom to talk to about all the girly stuff. I hated that I didn’t have my grandpa or my cousin Tracy. I wanted to be with them so badly. I did many things to myself. I wouldn’t eat for several days, claiming that my stomach hurt and every time I ate I felt like throwing up (this was my way of coping with my body image). I felt like nobody liked me that I was diseased or something. My brother was abusive towards me as well. I started cutting around 14 years old. My nino was diagnosed with stomach cancer and he was wasting away. I didn’t know how to deal with losing another person I was so close to. At the same time my grandma had just finished a round of chemo for breast cancer. I was dealing with 2 of the closest people in my life battling cancer. I didn’t know how to deal. I was numb. I wanted to feel something, anything, and that’s when I began cutting. I didn’t like knives or razors; they made the cut quick and the pain didn’t last as long. I liked safety pins; they were dull and took longer to bleed. Each stroke of the pin sent shivers down my spine. I could feel pain. I never cried. My nino passed away in 2003 and my grandma passed away in 2004. I became super depressed, though I became really good at hiding it. I hated to have people worry about me, I still do. Thoughts of suicide plagued my mind. I thought daily of the different ways that I could take my life so I could be with the ones that I’ve lost. But every time I thought that I might do it, I thought of my Alexis and my brother. Alexis had just lost the person she was closest to, her grandpa. How could I put her through the pain of losing the cousin she was closest to, when it had happened to me? I thought about where I was and how much I couldn’t bear her having to go through the same things that I am going through now. I couldn’t dare to think of what she might do. I didn’t want her to feel the way I was feeling.
I graduated from high school and I went off to college in Hayward out of Fresno, like my grandma wanted me to. I miss her every day. I wanted to badly to talk to her. To tell her of my adventures. When I started having friend troubles I just wanted to talk to her and hear her advice. Every I had a boyfriend I wanted to take him to my nino so he could approve. He was who I wanted to walk me down the aisle when I get married. I would cut every now and then. I would go over the scars so that people wouldn’t start to get suspicious. Hayward was mostly cold so I didn’t have to think about what people would think of me wearing sweaters.
I haven’t cut in a few years. After my nina passed away last year I did think about it. I had lost yet another person to cancer in just a few short years. Everything was painful. I still didn’t know how to deal with the pain. I was so used to hiding out and covering it all up. I would focus on other people to hide my pain. I became numb again. I hadn’t dealt with the first 2 deaths how could I deal with another? I started to feel numb again. I was alone. I was all alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. I have had 3 boyfriends since my grandma passed away and none of them could understand what I was going through. I'm pretty certain the last 2 cheated on me. The second one lacked communication and comfort, while the last one didn't understand how important my family is to me. Two of the guys I dated were very persistent and stopped seeing me. One was persistent and I stood up for myself. I didn't have the luck in the relationship department and it's probably because no one understood or didn't want to understand.
I worry everyday that my aunt Gloria will be the next person I lose too soon. I can’t imagine how it would be without her in my life just yet. She does so much for me and she helps me out with so much. I worry that her death may push me over the edge. Or if my cousin Alexis goes too soon. Her death I know I won’t be able to handle. She is like my little sister. I love her so much. It would hurt too much to go on when she has yet to experience so much.
Why am I sharing all this depressing stuff about myself? This is what my life has been filled with, though many people may not realize it or believe it because of the kind of person I am. There is more I can write, the happy memories, the good times, how I have overcame all of this that I have been through, but that will be for another day. I’ve cried the whole time writing this and I’m tired. I don’t know how much insight this gives anyone maybe the next few posts will tell more what people might get out of this. But for now I bid thee adieu
I’m going to start from the very beginning. I was born to an alcoholic father and a schizophrenic mother. My grandma and my grandpa took over raising me. I was really close to my grandpa. He would take me to Mcdonald’s almost every morning for breakfast. I remember sitting next to him (he would always sit in his recliner) and we would watch Mexican music videos. I have pictures of my grandpa and I remember him well through those pictures but he passed away in May 1993 a month after I turned 5 years old. I don’t know how I was feeling at that time, but I remember changing. I had been a very outgoing little girl and I loved talking. Afterwards I became a little quiet. I remember being with my cousin Tracy the day of his funeral. She was my favorite person next to my grandpa. I remember sitting in her car with her trying not to cry. I didn’t want to cry (even then I didn’t like crying). She told me that it was ok to cry. That it was ok to miss him. She had tears falling down her face as she was telling me this. I have this other memory of her. I don’t remember how old I was. It might have been sometime after my grandpa passed away but I don’t remember. Anyways, we had gone to this flea market or something or maybe it was the outdoor mall in downtown Fresno. I remember the store we had gone into was kind of underground. Anyways, she bought me this puppy dog that had Velcro on its belly so it could “give birth” to puppies. I loved that toy so much! In August 1993 she died in a car accident. I was 5 years old and had experienced the loss of two people I was really close to.
I was so afraid of losing my grandma next that I couldn’t sleep in my own room anymore. I slept with my grandma until I was 13. I would start off in my bed then wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and hop into bed with her. I became really close with my grandma. She was like my mom but she did what most grandmas do, spoil their grandkids. I was the most spoiled of them all, it’s because my grandma loved me the best though she would never admit it. I loved the special times my grandma and I would have in the mornings eating oatmeal with sourdough bread. I miss her oatmeal. She would always make me breakfast in the morning and when I came home from school there was always food ready to be eaten. Almost everything she cooked was my favorite. I was a very very picky eater growing up. I have many wonderful memories of my childhood but it is mostly plagued with the bad memories.
My mom didn’t like to take her medication and every so often would show up at the house and attempt to harm my grandma. Every time this would happen the police were called. I don’t know how many times the police were called but they were called a lot. One time, my mom came to the house when my grandma wasn’t home and took my brother and me. She took us to this hotel near the fairgrounds. She was so mad at my grandma and I had no idea why. She wouldn’t let me call her. She called my nino and nina. They came to buy us some food. My mom went into the store with my brother and I stayed in the car with my nino. He took me to a store down the street to call my grandma. He told my mom he wanted to take me to get something special. I talked to my grandma and she was so worried about us. I missed her so much I just wanted to go home. My nino said he would take me and he would come back for my brother. This wasn’t just to help my mom out this was a rescue mission. I didn’t want to go without my brother though. I couldn’t leave him alone with my mom I didn’t know what would happen to him. Eventually she came to her senses and she took us back home. I hated my mom from that point on. I couldn’t understand how someone could do that to their child. There was another incident that happened with my mom. She came to the house in one of her episodes and was threatening to kill my grandma. My grandma had retreated to her room. My mom was yelling all kinds of things about my grandma and how much she hated her. I started yelling at my mom for the things she was saying about my grandma. The next thing I knew she was coming at me with the knife. My grandma came in through the hall way and yelled at my mom about what she was doing. My grandma took my hand and led me to her room where we locked the door. I was shaking. My mom was still yelling but I wasn’t paying attention anymore. My grandma and I escaped from the house got into the car and drove to my nino and ninas house. The whole car ride my grandma was trying to explain to me that I shouldn’t hate my mom. She doesn’t know what she is doing. She’s sick and the only way for her to get better was to keep taking her meds. She told me that my mom didn’t think anything was wrong and so wouldn’t take her meds. My grandma was trying to convince me that my mom was a good person. I just couldn’t see it at that time.
My dad wasn’t around much. I didn’t know my dad well. I remember one time I went up to visit him and at the end of the week when I was supposed to go home he didn’t want to take me home. He wanted me to stay with him. I didn’t want to stay with him I wanted my grandma. I called my grandma (his mom) and she drove in the middle of the night to Sacramento to pick me up. Boy did my dad get an earful. We stopped at Denny’s to eat and she tried to explain to me that my dad wasn’t bad he just made bad decisions because of his alcohol problem.
It was about after the time my mom tried to “kill” me (about 12, maybe 13) that I began to become abusive towards myself. I hated myself. I didn’t like the way I looked. I didn’t like that I couldn’t do the things that I wanted to do. I hated the fact that I didn’t have a mom to talk to about all the girly stuff. I hated that I didn’t have my grandpa or my cousin Tracy. I wanted to be with them so badly. I did many things to myself. I wouldn’t eat for several days, claiming that my stomach hurt and every time I ate I felt like throwing up (this was my way of coping with my body image). I felt like nobody liked me that I was diseased or something. My brother was abusive towards me as well. I started cutting around 14 years old. My nino was diagnosed with stomach cancer and he was wasting away. I didn’t know how to deal with losing another person I was so close to. At the same time my grandma had just finished a round of chemo for breast cancer. I was dealing with 2 of the closest people in my life battling cancer. I didn’t know how to deal. I was numb. I wanted to feel something, anything, and that’s when I began cutting. I didn’t like knives or razors; they made the cut quick and the pain didn’t last as long. I liked safety pins; they were dull and took longer to bleed. Each stroke of the pin sent shivers down my spine. I could feel pain. I never cried. My nino passed away in 2003 and my grandma passed away in 2004. I became super depressed, though I became really good at hiding it. I hated to have people worry about me, I still do. Thoughts of suicide plagued my mind. I thought daily of the different ways that I could take my life so I could be with the ones that I’ve lost. But every time I thought that I might do it, I thought of my Alexis and my brother. Alexis had just lost the person she was closest to, her grandpa. How could I put her through the pain of losing the cousin she was closest to, when it had happened to me? I thought about where I was and how much I couldn’t bear her having to go through the same things that I am going through now. I couldn’t dare to think of what she might do. I didn’t want her to feel the way I was feeling.
I graduated from high school and I went off to college in Hayward out of Fresno, like my grandma wanted me to. I miss her every day. I wanted to badly to talk to her. To tell her of my adventures. When I started having friend troubles I just wanted to talk to her and hear her advice. Every I had a boyfriend I wanted to take him to my nino so he could approve. He was who I wanted to walk me down the aisle when I get married. I would cut every now and then. I would go over the scars so that people wouldn’t start to get suspicious. Hayward was mostly cold so I didn’t have to think about what people would think of me wearing sweaters.
I haven’t cut in a few years. After my nina passed away last year I did think about it. I had lost yet another person to cancer in just a few short years. Everything was painful. I still didn’t know how to deal with the pain. I was so used to hiding out and covering it all up. I would focus on other people to hide my pain. I became numb again. I hadn’t dealt with the first 2 deaths how could I deal with another? I started to feel numb again. I was alone. I was all alone. I had no one to rely on but myself. I have had 3 boyfriends since my grandma passed away and none of them could understand what I was going through. I'm pretty certain the last 2 cheated on me. The second one lacked communication and comfort, while the last one didn't understand how important my family is to me. Two of the guys I dated were very persistent and stopped seeing me. One was persistent and I stood up for myself. I didn't have the luck in the relationship department and it's probably because no one understood or didn't want to understand.
I worry everyday that my aunt Gloria will be the next person I lose too soon. I can’t imagine how it would be without her in my life just yet. She does so much for me and she helps me out with so much. I worry that her death may push me over the edge. Or if my cousin Alexis goes too soon. Her death I know I won’t be able to handle. She is like my little sister. I love her so much. It would hurt too much to go on when she has yet to experience so much.
Why am I sharing all this depressing stuff about myself? This is what my life has been filled with, though many people may not realize it or believe it because of the kind of person I am. There is more I can write, the happy memories, the good times, how I have overcame all of this that I have been through, but that will be for another day. I’ve cried the whole time writing this and I’m tired. I don’t know how much insight this gives anyone maybe the next few posts will tell more what people might get out of this. But for now I bid thee adieu
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)