People deal with situations and problems and changes in different ways. The way I deal is probably not how most people do, but then again maybe it is. Some people don't like to show their weaknesses and so they keep everything hidden. That's not why I keep it hidden. I like to be strong for people. I'm the type of person who no matter what I am going through I will put my problems aside and help you out. It helps me forget about my problems. it pushes them down further as i think about ways to help my friends out. It's a coping mechanism of mine. once it becomes too much, I push some people away. I become withdrawn and isolated. I think things through on my own through this time. I try to get to the root of things.
One of my friends is worried because I am doing this alone. My response to that person is that I believe its difficult to go through things alone, however, it is always beneficial to have your thoughts in order and to take time to yourself to kind of make a sort of game plan. I need to know myself what exactly it is that is bothering me before I talk to somebody otherwise I end up either 1) confusing myself and others or 2) what they say to me I make it my own just because I don't want to think about what is the root or really is the problem. I honestly believe that people should take the time to kind of sort through everything before they go to others. Others can't help you unless you help yourself first. You have to help yourself and want the help before seeking it from others.
No one really knows what I go through. They can only speculate. I am really good at hiding things. At keeping what I don't want others to see hidden from them. Only when it's gone on too long that everyone catches a glimpse, but even then the extent of my suffering, the extent of my stress is no where seen. I don't like to burden everyone with my problems and for that reason a few bear witness to the real me. The one who is going through a tough time and doesn't know how to handle certain situations, but at the same time I have no doubt that I am going to pull through this. I know I am going to. It won't take long. I know what I need to do and I know what I want. I'm still very optimistic.
I'm sure some people wonder how I can be so happy and go lucky when all this stuff with my family is going on. The probably think it weird, but I know there are worse things out there that are happening. I always think about those things that are happening (I also wish there was something I could do to help, which probably drives me in school). That is why I am NEVER sad or seek sympathy or attention or announce to FB about bad experiences or complain about my life. These things don't need to be announced to the whole world (which seems what I'm doing now but in actuality this is just for me and friends who want to keep updated on how I am doing. I am a woman of words not of speech).
There are people out there whose lives are so much worse then mine in terms of what they are going through. Some are devastated by natural disasters, while others are inflicted with some terrible disease living in poverty. Children left without parents forced to grow up at an early age. I know in all reality my life is excellent. It is the best life anyone could probably ask for. There are situations and events that have occurred and are occurring that I would rather not deal with but I am not a complainer or an attention seeker. My life is what it is. I go through these situations to grow as a person. They help me realize how precious life is. How important relationships are with family and with friends. It teaches me to be selfless and think about the needs of others. It also puts into perspective of what is important in life. It is important for me to know all of this and to keep those close. When I have children these are lessons I want to share with my kids to show them and teach them about life.
At the end of all of this I'm only a stronger person, a better person, a more loving person, who now has the experience to help others who might be going through similar situations and who don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light. We just have to keep holding on....
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
And so the Journey Begins....
In this post there are two sides of me being shown, reminiscing thoughtful side and the other pessimistic afraid/angry side.
*reminiscing thoughtful side*
This Friday my Nina begins chemotherapy. I was studying when I heard this and a rush of emotions flooded me, memories took over my mind and I was no longer concentrated to study. We've been through chemo, twice. First with my Nino (her husband) and then with my grandma (her mom). Chemo tears the body up. It makes a person weak.
My Nino had zero strength to move around but he kept his humorous attitude up until the very end. He gave me a pretend boyfriend named Pepe. Whenever I went over (which was pretty much everyday, I stayed the weekends) he would ask how Pepe was and what we need. To this day I always remember Pepe. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend I sometimes say, "Yes, his name is Pepe," and then I chortle to myself. He said I needed to get married (I was only 14 almost 15) because he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I always saw my Nino being the one to give me away on my wedding day. My dad was never a father to me. My Nino was pretty much my father. He always wanted what was best for me. When he passed, my dreams of him giving me away on my wedding day disappeared. Seeing him with my children, disappeared. I needed to find new dreams, new desires.
My grandma, such a strong independent woman she was. She rarely asked for help, except for when she desperately needed it. She was strong to the very end. I admire my grandma a lot. No only because she raised my brother James and me, but because of how strong her faith was even to the very end. My grandma read her Bible and spent time with God twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I remember all our conversations about faith and God. She wasn't afraid of dying. She didn't want me to be sad when she passed on. She was going home, she always told me. There was one conversation about faith that we had a few days before she went in to coma to never wake up. She told me (roughly quoting) "Faith is believing in what we can not see. I have faith that you and you're brother are going to be fine. I have faith that your grandpa and tio Eddie and Tracy are waiting for me. God isn't taking me away from you, he is taking me home away from all of this suffering. Don't be sad. Be happy. One day we will see each other again. Keep your faith, Love God with all your heart. He's always with you." She was tired towards the end of this conversation. That Friday, Jan 23, 2004 she went into a coma. I'm not sure who was the last to speak to her...some say it was me, right after I came back from school about 6pm. She asked me what happened. I told her. Kissed her good night because she was waiting up for me and sat by her bed til she fell asleep. She never woke up. Sunday night I wanted to be in the room with my grandma alone but everyone was in there. My aunts were talking, wondering why she hadn't passed on. They knew my grandma wanted to. One of the said, she's worried about the kids (my brother and me). At that moment my brother walked in. I knew what I needed to do. With a strong voice I talked to my grandma. I told her how much she meant to me. How I cherish every moment I had with her. She taught me a lot and I would never forget those. I told her I would watch over my brother the best that I could. I told her it was ok to go home. I kissed her cheeked gave her a hug and walked out the room before I started crying. I fell asleep early that Sunday night. Jan 26, 2004 I woke up at 3:12 am. I sat up in my bed, looked towards my door and looked right above me and said, "Good bye, I love you." I got out of my bed, took the door through the hall way that met my grandmas door and out walked my aunt crying. My grandma had just passed away. A few minutes later, I woke up my brother to tell him. The whole morning up until I needed to leave for school (yes I went to school) I was strong. I was happy. My family probably thought I was crazy, but my grandma didn't want me to be sad. I took care of everyone until I went to school. Once I got to school, it hit me. I was a zombie the whole day, I didn't make it the whole day. At lunch I called my aunt to come get me. I took the whole week off and came to Hayward with my aunt and brother. Funeral day, I was all smiles and happy until I saw her lying there motionless. I broke down. In front of everyone I broke down. My grandma wanted me to sing Amazing Grace. I told her I would. But when it came to it, my aunt asked me and I said I couldn't I knew I wouldn't be able to. Amazing Grace is her favorite song. If I had sang it I would've broken down even more. To this day, every time I hear Amazing Grace I cry. I miss my grandma, my mom.
When I was in Fresno last week that is what came into my head. The final days of my grandma. I don't remember much about my uncles. I remember being there though within minutes after he passed away. My grandma and I were on our way there. But all of this flooded my mind when my Nina told me that she asked Alexis, her granddaughter to sing at her funeral. Alexis said, "I can't do it alone. I know I'll ask Tammy." Maybe this is my time to make up for not singing at my grandmas funeral knowing how much she wanted me to. My grandma once told me she liked hearing me sing. I told my aunt I didn't know if I could do it and I told her about grandma's request. She said "it's different. I'm not what she was to you." That's true, but she still means so much to me. She is like a mom to me as well, as are all the rest of my aunts.
Each one of my aunts has had a hand in shaping who I've become today just as much as my grandma and Nino have. Without some of them I honestly do not know where I would be today. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am today. I hope she makes it through this year. I hope she gets to see her third grandchild. I hope...I hope....
*Pessimistic afraid/angry side*
This Friday my Nina starts chemo. When I first saw my aunt this year after a few months of not seeing her, I could see the effects of her illness. I knew something was wrong. Something bad was going on inside of her body. The way she looked reminded me of the way my Nino, looked when he started getting sick. He looked so thin so skinny after chemo. My aunt hasn't had chemo and she looks just like him. Is it horrible that I already think that she is not going to make it through this year? Is it bad that I have no hope for her in surviving?
I have watched 2 people that I love dearly go through this awful course. Where are they now? Buried six-feet under (She wants to be cremated). I want to believe...that they are in the presence of God, but it's so hard to believe (I still need to write that entry, soon). All I know for sure is they are no longer present in my life. They have left this world. Sooner then I would've liked. My dreams, desires, hopes, all crushed when they died, and yet somehow they have carried on.
The chemo tore both my grandma and my nino up so much that they didn't want to do chemo any more. They were both strong hopeful people. My aunt isn't like that. She does not like pain, she can't tolerate pain. I know within a few months she is going to give up. I have a feeling she already has. I honestly do not believe that she believes that she can get better. Look at me. I'm horrible. I have no hope for her surviving and yet I want her to believe that she can get better. I am not the one going through this. I believe in willpower and conscience willing to get better. With the right attitude and perspective the sick can get better. If they believe that they will get better they will get better. Our emotional response greatly affects our immune system and the bodies ability to fend of foriegn disease and even to defeat cancer cells.
I'm scared. I'm afraid for my aunt. Afraid for my cousins. They are the ones who are going to witness it and go through it all. I do wish I could be in Fresno for them. Helping them through this, taking care of my Nina, but I can't be. I can't even be in Reno to help my cousin out who is losing her left foot...soon. I am torn in 3 different directions and yet I have to settle for the one place I would rather not be while everyone else is doing something to help them out. All I can do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. REPEATed every single day until the end of the quarter...and even then, where do I go? Who do I help? Who do I save?
*reminiscing thoughtful side*
This Friday my Nina begins chemotherapy. I was studying when I heard this and a rush of emotions flooded me, memories took over my mind and I was no longer concentrated to study. We've been through chemo, twice. First with my Nino (her husband) and then with my grandma (her mom). Chemo tears the body up. It makes a person weak.
My Nino had zero strength to move around but he kept his humorous attitude up until the very end. He gave me a pretend boyfriend named Pepe. Whenever I went over (which was pretty much everyday, I stayed the weekends) he would ask how Pepe was and what we need. To this day I always remember Pepe. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend I sometimes say, "Yes, his name is Pepe," and then I chortle to myself. He said I needed to get married (I was only 14 almost 15) because he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I always saw my Nino being the one to give me away on my wedding day. My dad was never a father to me. My Nino was pretty much my father. He always wanted what was best for me. When he passed, my dreams of him giving me away on my wedding day disappeared. Seeing him with my children, disappeared. I needed to find new dreams, new desires.
My grandma, such a strong independent woman she was. She rarely asked for help, except for when she desperately needed it. She was strong to the very end. I admire my grandma a lot. No only because she raised my brother James and me, but because of how strong her faith was even to the very end. My grandma read her Bible and spent time with God twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I remember all our conversations about faith and God. She wasn't afraid of dying. She didn't want me to be sad when she passed on. She was going home, she always told me. There was one conversation about faith that we had a few days before she went in to coma to never wake up. She told me (roughly quoting) "Faith is believing in what we can not see. I have faith that you and you're brother are going to be fine. I have faith that your grandpa and tio Eddie and Tracy are waiting for me. God isn't taking me away from you, he is taking me home away from all of this suffering. Don't be sad. Be happy. One day we will see each other again. Keep your faith, Love God with all your heart. He's always with you." She was tired towards the end of this conversation. That Friday, Jan 23, 2004 she went into a coma. I'm not sure who was the last to speak to her...some say it was me, right after I came back from school about 6pm. She asked me what happened. I told her. Kissed her good night because she was waiting up for me and sat by her bed til she fell asleep. She never woke up. Sunday night I wanted to be in the room with my grandma alone but everyone was in there. My aunts were talking, wondering why she hadn't passed on. They knew my grandma wanted to. One of the said, she's worried about the kids (my brother and me). At that moment my brother walked in. I knew what I needed to do. With a strong voice I talked to my grandma. I told her how much she meant to me. How I cherish every moment I had with her. She taught me a lot and I would never forget those. I told her I would watch over my brother the best that I could. I told her it was ok to go home. I kissed her cheeked gave her a hug and walked out the room before I started crying. I fell asleep early that Sunday night. Jan 26, 2004 I woke up at 3:12 am. I sat up in my bed, looked towards my door and looked right above me and said, "Good bye, I love you." I got out of my bed, took the door through the hall way that met my grandmas door and out walked my aunt crying. My grandma had just passed away. A few minutes later, I woke up my brother to tell him. The whole morning up until I needed to leave for school (yes I went to school) I was strong. I was happy. My family probably thought I was crazy, but my grandma didn't want me to be sad. I took care of everyone until I went to school. Once I got to school, it hit me. I was a zombie the whole day, I didn't make it the whole day. At lunch I called my aunt to come get me. I took the whole week off and came to Hayward with my aunt and brother. Funeral day, I was all smiles and happy until I saw her lying there motionless. I broke down. In front of everyone I broke down. My grandma wanted me to sing Amazing Grace. I told her I would. But when it came to it, my aunt asked me and I said I couldn't I knew I wouldn't be able to. Amazing Grace is her favorite song. If I had sang it I would've broken down even more. To this day, every time I hear Amazing Grace I cry. I miss my grandma, my mom.
When I was in Fresno last week that is what came into my head. The final days of my grandma. I don't remember much about my uncles. I remember being there though within minutes after he passed away. My grandma and I were on our way there. But all of this flooded my mind when my Nina told me that she asked Alexis, her granddaughter to sing at her funeral. Alexis said, "I can't do it alone. I know I'll ask Tammy." Maybe this is my time to make up for not singing at my grandmas funeral knowing how much she wanted me to. My grandma once told me she liked hearing me sing. I told my aunt I didn't know if I could do it and I told her about grandma's request. She said "it's different. I'm not what she was to you." That's true, but she still means so much to me. She is like a mom to me as well, as are all the rest of my aunts.
Each one of my aunts has had a hand in shaping who I've become today just as much as my grandma and Nino have. Without some of them I honestly do not know where I would be today. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am today. I hope she makes it through this year. I hope she gets to see her third grandchild. I hope...I hope....
*Pessimistic afraid/angry side*
This Friday my Nina starts chemo. When I first saw my aunt this year after a few months of not seeing her, I could see the effects of her illness. I knew something was wrong. Something bad was going on inside of her body. The way she looked reminded me of the way my Nino, looked when he started getting sick. He looked so thin so skinny after chemo. My aunt hasn't had chemo and she looks just like him. Is it horrible that I already think that she is not going to make it through this year? Is it bad that I have no hope for her in surviving?
I have watched 2 people that I love dearly go through this awful course. Where are they now? Buried six-feet under (She wants to be cremated). I want to believe...that they are in the presence of God, but it's so hard to believe (I still need to write that entry, soon). All I know for sure is they are no longer present in my life. They have left this world. Sooner then I would've liked. My dreams, desires, hopes, all crushed when they died, and yet somehow they have carried on.
The chemo tore both my grandma and my nino up so much that they didn't want to do chemo any more. They were both strong hopeful people. My aunt isn't like that. She does not like pain, she can't tolerate pain. I know within a few months she is going to give up. I have a feeling she already has. I honestly do not believe that she believes that she can get better. Look at me. I'm horrible. I have no hope for her surviving and yet I want her to believe that she can get better. I am not the one going through this. I believe in willpower and conscience willing to get better. With the right attitude and perspective the sick can get better. If they believe that they will get better they will get better. Our emotional response greatly affects our immune system and the bodies ability to fend of foriegn disease and even to defeat cancer cells.
I'm scared. I'm afraid for my aunt. Afraid for my cousins. They are the ones who are going to witness it and go through it all. I do wish I could be in Fresno for them. Helping them through this, taking care of my Nina, but I can't be. I can't even be in Reno to help my cousin out who is losing her left foot...soon. I am torn in 3 different directions and yet I have to settle for the one place I would rather not be while everyone else is doing something to help them out. All I can do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. REPEATed every single day until the end of the quarter...and even then, where do I go? Who do I help? Who do I save?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Until the next time we meet....
This week I went to Fresno. I missed a week of class and I have a midterm on Monday. I don't think it was a good idea to miss class, but it's more important to be with family then to be in class. I think it was important for me to be there. She was happy to see me. There are times when I'm not sure she even wants me to come visit. I know we have our differences and disagreements. She treats me differently since I've moved out of Fresno. I feel that since I've moved up to the bay area for school that she is mad at me or upset at me for something. I'm not sure if it's because I moved out here...I'm going to sidetrack from here....
*The month before I moved out for school, my aunt got really sick to her stomach. It wasn't very clear what had happened. Since then she has been really sick to her stomach. Her stomach hasn't been the same since. I wonder if she partly blames me for her being sick because I wasn't there to help take care of her. Maybe she feels like I abandoned her...I've grown up a lot since that time...maybe I was being selfish then...or maybe I knew that that was where I needed to be...where my grandma wanted me to be...Even now...I'm torn between 2 aunts and a cousin who really need my help, and all are in different cities.*
...or if it's for some other reason. Sometimes I think she gets jealous of how excited her granddaughters get when I come and visit. I really don't know. I feel like I should talk to her about that and ask her before she's gone, but I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and things that have hurt me. I'm not sure how to bring it up or really what to say. Maybe sometime in the summer when I'm there I'll know when and how and what to say. Until then I won't worry and just focus on school and doing well there.
While there in Fresno, my friend Roland left for Haiti for a year. I didn't think I was going to see him before he left. I thought more then a year was going to go by before I saw him again. But surprise surprise to me...he came at 1:15am Thursday morning, 2 hours before he needed to leave and he still hadn't packed. I felt special. He has really helped me out in gaining more confidence in myself in various aspects of my life. This year will go by fast. As he said that Thursday early morning before he left, everything can change in a year and in this year, I feel like things are going to change drastically.
*The month before I moved out for school, my aunt got really sick to her stomach. It wasn't very clear what had happened. Since then she has been really sick to her stomach. Her stomach hasn't been the same since. I wonder if she partly blames me for her being sick because I wasn't there to help take care of her. Maybe she feels like I abandoned her...I've grown up a lot since that time...maybe I was being selfish then...or maybe I knew that that was where I needed to be...where my grandma wanted me to be...Even now...I'm torn between 2 aunts and a cousin who really need my help, and all are in different cities.*
...or if it's for some other reason. Sometimes I think she gets jealous of how excited her granddaughters get when I come and visit. I really don't know. I feel like I should talk to her about that and ask her before she's gone, but I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and things that have hurt me. I'm not sure how to bring it up or really what to say. Maybe sometime in the summer when I'm there I'll know when and how and what to say. Until then I won't worry and just focus on school and doing well there.
While there in Fresno, my friend Roland left for Haiti for a year. I didn't think I was going to see him before he left. I thought more then a year was going to go by before I saw him again. But surprise surprise to me...he came at 1:15am Thursday morning, 2 hours before he needed to leave and he still hadn't packed. I felt special. He has really helped me out in gaining more confidence in myself in various aspects of my life. This year will go by fast. As he said that Thursday early morning before he left, everything can change in a year and in this year, I feel like things are going to change drastically.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
[insert blog title here]
Up and up....it is probably at the moment my favorite Relient K song. This song is on the Five Score and Seven Years Ago album. Great band. But this entry isn't about the band. No, it's about the song.
Throughout my whole entire life I've dealt with many difficult things; from having a schizophrenic mother to losing several people to death. My life it seems has been filled with bad news, especially at a time I wouldn't want it. This past weekend I found out that my aunt has cancer once again. The prognosis is not good, even with chemo. "Yesterday, is not quite what it could've been, as were most of all the days before." Sure I've had good memories with all the people who have left this world, but we always want more time with them. To us, our time should never be up. God has other plans. He wants us back home, and so even though I may be going through a tough time and struggling. "But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in I'll be trying to make it so much more" I'm gonna live my life. I'm going to make the best of my situation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone who has to face similiar struggles that I have had throughout my life. I know my life isn't the worst it could be, but to me it has been. "Cause it seems I get so hung up on The history of what's gone wrong And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see" We all do it. We all dwell on everything bad that has happened to us. Why? I think its because we think we deserve better. WE want things to go the way we want them. But the truth is it never does. EVER. No matter how much we want them to. I struggle with this a lot. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD" We don't know what God has planned for us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Its amazing how such simple verses, declarations can mean so much and offer so much encouragement. "And though I'm finally catching onto it and now the past is just a conduit and the light there at the end is where I'll be" Sure I'm struggling now and I'm in pain, but these struggles will help me grow, as a person and closer to God. The thing is I need to be willing to allow it to change me. I need to be willing to grasp the change. I need to be willing to grow closer to God. Which is a struggle (I'll save that for another entry). "To be prosperous would not require much of me you see contentment is the one thing it entails" Prosperous. I'm sure everyone has their own definition. (What's yours?) This line is probably my favorite in the song. Really contentment is what makes one prosperous. Sure you can have a lot of money, a great business, and a wonderful famly, but if you always want more are you prosperous? I think contentment is another thing people don't have. That is why we are always searching for more, searching for bigger and greater things. "To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be I'm moving past the past where I have failed" But once we become content with our lives and accept everything going on in our lives, everything seems to get better in a sense. Sure you still see struggles and hard times, but if you embrace them they become bearable they becoming welcoming learning experience and we prosper, in growth. Moving past the past is what we need to do and live in the now. I think better look at your past, review it. Chances are you'll see a learning experience or see something that helped shaped you into the person you are today. I know its that way with me. More and more I dwell on it the more and more I see it. The more and more I can move past it. Just don't spend too much time dwelling on the past. It's the now we need to be living in. "You never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life so when I'm down I'll hold my head up high cause you're the reason why" Looking into my past I see God in places I though I was all alone. God has watched over me my whole entire life. And yet I can't seem to embrace him (again I'll talk about this in another entry). He is the reason why I am where I am today. He is the reason why I'm the person I am today. The people He has placed into my lives to show me His love I see everywhere dispersed into my life. Even though I sometimes deny Him, he has and always be there for me.
Through this tough time again I see people who have been strategically placed in my life. I see that God has also placed me into the lives of my cousin and because of the closeness I have with them I will be able to be a source of light and comfort for them during this time. God is everywhere even if we don't want him to be. He is watching out for all of us. His love for us is tremendous and we can see it in our everyday lives. Brighten someones day by smiling and saying hello, or holding a door open and telling them to have a wonderful day. It not only brightens their day but yours as well.
Here is the song in its full:
Throughout my whole entire life I've dealt with many difficult things; from having a schizophrenic mother to losing several people to death. My life it seems has been filled with bad news, especially at a time I wouldn't want it. This past weekend I found out that my aunt has cancer once again. The prognosis is not good, even with chemo. "Yesterday, is not quite what it could've been, as were most of all the days before." Sure I've had good memories with all the people who have left this world, but we always want more time with them. To us, our time should never be up. God has other plans. He wants us back home, and so even though I may be going through a tough time and struggling. "But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in I'll be trying to make it so much more" I'm gonna live my life. I'm going to make the best of my situation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone who has to face similiar struggles that I have had throughout my life. I know my life isn't the worst it could be, but to me it has been. "Cause it seems I get so hung up on The history of what's gone wrong And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see" We all do it. We all dwell on everything bad that has happened to us. Why? I think its because we think we deserve better. WE want things to go the way we want them. But the truth is it never does. EVER. No matter how much we want them to. I struggle with this a lot. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD" We don't know what God has planned for us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Its amazing how such simple verses, declarations can mean so much and offer so much encouragement. "And though I'm finally catching onto it and now the past is just a conduit and the light there at the end is where I'll be" Sure I'm struggling now and I'm in pain, but these struggles will help me grow, as a person and closer to God. The thing is I need to be willing to allow it to change me. I need to be willing to grasp the change. I need to be willing to grow closer to God. Which is a struggle (I'll save that for another entry). "To be prosperous would not require much of me you see contentment is the one thing it entails" Prosperous. I'm sure everyone has their own definition. (What's yours?) This line is probably my favorite in the song. Really contentment is what makes one prosperous. Sure you can have a lot of money, a great business, and a wonderful famly, but if you always want more are you prosperous? I think contentment is another thing people don't have. That is why we are always searching for more, searching for bigger and greater things. "To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be I'm moving past the past where I have failed" But once we become content with our lives and accept everything going on in our lives, everything seems to get better in a sense. Sure you still see struggles and hard times, but if you embrace them they become bearable they becoming welcoming learning experience and we prosper, in growth. Moving past the past is what we need to do and live in the now. I think better look at your past, review it. Chances are you'll see a learning experience or see something that helped shaped you into the person you are today. I know its that way with me. More and more I dwell on it the more and more I see it. The more and more I can move past it. Just don't spend too much time dwelling on the past. It's the now we need to be living in. "You never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life so when I'm down I'll hold my head up high cause you're the reason why" Looking into my past I see God in places I though I was all alone. God has watched over me my whole entire life. And yet I can't seem to embrace him (again I'll talk about this in another entry). He is the reason why I am where I am today. He is the reason why I'm the person I am today. The people He has placed into my lives to show me His love I see everywhere dispersed into my life. Even though I sometimes deny Him, he has and always be there for me.
Through this tough time again I see people who have been strategically placed in my life. I see that God has also placed me into the lives of my cousin and because of the closeness I have with them I will be able to be a source of light and comfort for them during this time. God is everywhere even if we don't want him to be. He is watching out for all of us. His love for us is tremendous and we can see it in our everyday lives. Brighten someones day by smiling and saying hello, or holding a door open and telling them to have a wonderful day. It not only brightens their day but yours as well.
Here is the song in its full:
"Up And Up"
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed
But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
Oh
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed
But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
Oh
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