And so the Journey Begins....

In this post there are two sides of me being shown, reminiscing thoughtful side and the other pessimistic afraid/angry side.

*reminiscing thoughtful side*

This Friday my Nina begins chemotherapy. I was studying when I heard this and a rush of emotions flooded me, memories took over my mind and I was no longer concentrated to study. We've been through chemo, twice. First with my Nino (her husband) and then with my grandma (her mom). Chemo tears the body up. It makes a person weak.

My Nino had zero strength to move around but he kept his humorous attitude up until the very end. He gave me a pretend boyfriend named Pepe. Whenever I went over (which was pretty much everyday, I stayed the weekends) he would ask how Pepe was and what we need. To this day I always remember Pepe. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend I sometimes say, "Yes, his name is Pepe," and then I chortle to myself. He said I needed to get married (I was only 14 almost 15) because he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I always saw my Nino being the one to give me away on my wedding day. My dad was never a father to me. My Nino was pretty much my father. He always wanted what was best for me. When he passed, my dreams of him giving me away on my wedding day disappeared. Seeing him with my children, disappeared. I needed to find new dreams, new desires.

My grandma, such a strong independent woman she was. She rarely asked for help, except for when she desperately needed it. She was strong to the very end. I admire my grandma a lot. No only because she raised my brother James and me, but because of how strong her faith was even to the very end. My grandma read her Bible and spent time with God twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I remember all our conversations about faith and God. She wasn't afraid of dying. She didn't want me to be sad when she passed on. She was going home, she always told me. There was one conversation about faith that we had a few days before she went in to coma to never wake up. She told me (roughly quoting) "Faith is believing in what we can not see. I have faith that you and you're brother are going to be fine. I have faith that your grandpa and tio Eddie and Tracy are waiting for me. God isn't taking me away from you, he is taking me home away from all of this suffering. Don't be sad. Be happy. One day we will see each other again. Keep your faith, Love God with all your heart. He's always with you." She was tired towards the end of this conversation. That Friday, Jan 23, 2004 she went into a coma. I'm not sure who was the last to speak to her...some say it was me, right after I came back from school about 6pm. She asked me what happened. I told her. Kissed her good night because she was waiting up for me and sat by her bed til she fell asleep. She never woke up. Sunday night I wanted to be in the room with my grandma alone but everyone was in there. My aunts were talking, wondering why she hadn't passed on. They knew my grandma wanted to. One of the said, she's worried about the kids (my brother and me). At that moment my brother walked in. I knew what I needed to do. With a strong voice I talked to my grandma. I told her how much she meant to me. How I cherish every moment I had with her. She taught me a lot and I would never forget those. I told her I would watch over my brother the best that I could. I told her it was ok to go home. I kissed her cheeked gave her a hug and walked out the room before I started crying. I fell asleep early that Sunday night. Jan 26, 2004 I woke up at 3:12 am. I sat up in my bed, looked towards my door and looked right above me and said, "Good bye, I love you." I got out of my bed, took the door through the hall way that met my grandmas door and out walked my aunt crying. My grandma had just passed away. A few minutes later, I woke up my brother to tell him. The whole morning up until I needed to leave for school (yes I went to school) I was strong. I was happy. My family probably thought I was crazy, but my grandma didn't want me to be sad. I took care of everyone until I went to school. Once I got to school, it hit me. I was a zombie the whole day, I didn't make it the whole day. At lunch I called my aunt to come get me. I took the whole week off and came to Hayward with my aunt and brother. Funeral day, I was all smiles and happy until I saw her lying there motionless. I broke down. In front of everyone I broke down. My grandma wanted me to sing Amazing Grace. I told her I would. But when it came to it, my aunt asked me and I said I couldn't I knew I wouldn't be able to. Amazing Grace is her favorite song. If I had sang it I would've broken down even more. To this day, every time I hear Amazing Grace I cry. I miss my grandma, my mom.

When I was in Fresno last week that is what came into my head. The final days of my grandma. I don't remember much about my uncles. I remember being there though within minutes after he passed away. My grandma and I were on our way there. But all of this flooded my mind when my Nina told me that she asked Alexis, her granddaughter to sing at her funeral. Alexis said, "I can't do it alone. I know I'll ask Tammy." Maybe this is my time to make up for not singing at my grandmas funeral knowing how much she wanted me to. My grandma once told me she liked hearing me sing. I told my aunt I didn't know if I could do it and I told her about grandma's request. She said "it's different. I'm not what she was to you." That's true, but she still means so much to me. She is like a mom to me as well, as are all the rest of my aunts.

Each one of my aunts has had a hand in shaping who I've become today just as much as my grandma and Nino have. Without some of them I honestly do not know where I would be today. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am today. I hope she makes it through this year. I hope she gets to see her third grandchild. I hope...I hope....


*Pessimistic afraid/angry side*

This Friday my Nina starts chemo. When I first saw my aunt this year after a few months of not seeing her, I could see the effects of her illness. I knew something was wrong. Something bad was going on inside of her body. The way she looked reminded me of the way my Nino, looked when he started getting sick. He looked so thin so skinny after chemo. My aunt hasn't had chemo and she looks just like him. Is it horrible that I already think that she is not going to make it through this year? Is it bad that I have no hope for her in surviving?

I have watched 2 people that I love dearly go through this awful course. Where are they now? Buried six-feet under (She wants to be cremated). I want to believe...that they are in the presence of God, but it's so hard to believe (I still need to write that entry, soon). All I know for sure is they are no longer present in my life. They have left this world. Sooner then I would've liked. My dreams, desires, hopes, all crushed when they died, and yet somehow they have carried on.

The chemo tore both my grandma and my nino up so much that they didn't want to do chemo any more. They were both strong hopeful people. My aunt isn't like that. She does not like pain, she can't tolerate pain. I know within a few months she is going to give up. I have a feeling she already has. I honestly do not believe that she believes that she can get better. Look at me. I'm horrible. I have no hope for her surviving and yet I want her to believe that she can get better. I am not the one going through this. I believe in willpower and conscience willing to get better. With the right attitude and perspective the sick can get better. If they believe that they will get better they will get better. Our emotional response greatly affects our immune system and the bodies ability to fend of foriegn disease and even to defeat cancer cells.

I'm scared. I'm afraid for my aunt. Afraid for my cousins. They are the ones who are going to witness it and go through it all. I do wish I could be in Fresno for them. Helping them through this, taking care of my Nina, but I can't be. I can't even be in Reno to help my cousin out who is losing her left foot...soon. I am torn in 3 different directions and yet I have to settle for the one place I would rather not be while everyone else is doing something to help them out. All I can do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. REPEATed every single day until the end of the quarter...and even then, where do I go? Who do I help? Who do I save?