I had another dream about her last night. I keep having dreams about her. Maybe that's wh I haven't been sleeping. I don't want to ave dreams of her I wake up feeling...lost. I miss her so much; I hate not having her here n this world anymore. In this I couldn't get to her to help her. I was left on the outside to watch her suffer, to be in pain. I can't take it anymore.
For some reason this year is so much harder; I can only imagine how 2014 will be like when it will have been 10 years. It's been 9 years since my Nino passed...maybe that's why it is so much harder. I find myself on the verge of tears more often than not. Any and every little thing triggers the tears.
I sometimes wish I could just cut myself off from the rest of the world. Come out only when necessary. Other times I just want to slice into myself to feel real pain, not emotional pain. And yet other times I know how ridiculous I am, but its easier being ridiculous than it is being true.
They say it gets easier with time...I guess eventually it will. Until then we'll see what happens...
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Mended....but never the same....
Have you ever patched a pair of jeans or an old stuffed animal that you carried everywhere with you when you were little? Have you ever noticed that it's never the same? There is the fragility of it. It's been torn, it's been.damages. it doesn't have the same strength and integrity has it once had. It's just not the same as it used to be.
There are many things in life that resonants that truth. A broken friendship. Once it's mended it is never what it once was. Sure it can come close, but its fragile. It's approached with ease and carefulness as if approaching a stray dog. What was once free is plagued by what if thoughts that you can start censoring yourself. The truth to that is that there isn't honesty, complete honesty.
You can't change what you did but you can learn from it. You can avoid the very topic of what broke it. But what if that thing that broke it is what makes you happy? They want share your happiness but what do you do when that happiness is what caused a fallout?
It's hard when that one person who as always there for you, that you could always count on, is no longer readily available. It changes something inside of you and makes you more conscious of your actions and your words towards others.
I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy for the second time and I couldn't help but compare Katniss's relationship with her bestfriend Gale and her love interest Preeta to my own situation again. I can't say much for fear if spoiling the books for those who might be interested in reading it, but I can relate as maybe most people can in some way.
January is never an easy month for me. This year for some reason is harder. It could be the fact that my best friend lives in Oklahoma now and she isn't a few hours away anymore. It could be that my best guy friend and I relationship has changed. They'll always be there for me I know, but it's different.
As we grow older life changes relationships and changes outlooks on life and repriortizes our lives. I wish we were closer. I wish they weren't so far away, in distance and in feeling...
There are many things in life that resonants that truth. A broken friendship. Once it's mended it is never what it once was. Sure it can come close, but its fragile. It's approached with ease and carefulness as if approaching a stray dog. What was once free is plagued by what if thoughts that you can start censoring yourself. The truth to that is that there isn't honesty, complete honesty.
You can't change what you did but you can learn from it. You can avoid the very topic of what broke it. But what if that thing that broke it is what makes you happy? They want share your happiness but what do you do when that happiness is what caused a fallout?
It's hard when that one person who as always there for you, that you could always count on, is no longer readily available. It changes something inside of you and makes you more conscious of your actions and your words towards others.
I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy for the second time and I couldn't help but compare Katniss's relationship with her bestfriend Gale and her love interest Preeta to my own situation again. I can't say much for fear if spoiling the books for those who might be interested in reading it, but I can relate as maybe most people can in some way.
January is never an easy month for me. This year for some reason is harder. It could be the fact that my best friend lives in Oklahoma now and she isn't a few hours away anymore. It could be that my best guy friend and I relationship has changed. They'll always be there for me I know, but it's different.
As we grow older life changes relationships and changes outlooks on life and repriortizes our lives. I wish we were closer. I wish they weren't so far away, in distance and in feeling...
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