So I haven't written an entry in so long. Nursing school has definitely been keeping busy, but I haven't really had anything blog worthy..until recently.
On the 23rd my aunt and I went last minute gift shopping. We were pulling into the Target parking lot, and my aunt (I keep wanting to say my grandma...Christmas was her favorite time of the year) mentioned something. She was giving me a challenge. She noticed, thinks that I have a hard time forgiving people, and its the people that I care most about. She says that it's easy for me to forgive but for those I really care about I hold onto it. I don't forgive them.
She brought up Greg. She said I should try to forgive Greg. Then went into the schpeel about noticing that I have a hard time forgiving people I care most about. I asked her what there was to forgive. Its not like he's really bothered to say anything about it even though I have asked and so I have. She said, if I ever decide to give him another chance to talk to him and to forgive him....forgive him....
Then she brought up my mother. She said it wasn't until recently that I have really forgiven my mother. I forgave my mother when I was 16. When I was 16 I thoroughly understood why she ws never around, why she did the things that she did when I was little. It wasn't her fault. She is sick. She didn't have it under control. She didn't know how to take care of it. As I got older, I noticed that she did try to get her life together and to take care of herself. My mom and I will never have a mother daughter relationship, but I always knew that. However, that doesn't mean that there can't be some type of relationship. I talk to her at least once a week to see how she is doing.
Its my dad that I have a hard time forgiving. He did the right thing by not seeking custody of me and letting my grandma raise me. He did right for me, but when it came to my brothers and sisters (his second chance) he screwed it up. I don't know if I could ever forgive him. I know one day will, but right now I won't. He messed up big time with them. I wish there was something I could have done for them, but I couldn't. I feel horrible for beinga bad sister, but I know I wasn't. I know I am not. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I love them to pieces and wish there was more I could do for them.
My brother, I havent forgiven him. He has his whole life ahead of him and he chooses to throw it away with drugs. Sure he has a mental disorder like my mother, but he can have it under control and he chooses not to. We could be having a normal conversation and a normal relationship, but he chooses his way of life. I guess I shouldn't be holding anything against him, it is his life, but I love him. The people I love the most always end up hurting me ALWAYS. I don't know how I am supposed to forgive these people. It's really hard when you have been hurt over and over and over again.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Moving on...
I had a dream the other day. It was pretty interesting. I am going to share this interesting dream with you and what I think it means.
The ocean was rising. It was rising rapidly. All the bridges were already under water. Andrew and I made our way out to this house that was on this cliff. The water was following us. Creeping up on us everytime we moved. When we got to the cliff it couldn't make its way up. We were safe for now. Then the dream changed. I was in the house I grew up in. My grandma (she passed away in high school) was there. She had a suitcase packed and she was cooking. I was trying to get my grandma to leave the house, but she wouldn't. She said she would leave her house once the water started to take over. Just then the water started to creep into the house. She pulled out the handle to her suitcase and she said lets go. (She was speaking to me in spanish.) I took her suitcase from her and took it to the car. I thought that was a good idea to have clothes. I ran back into the house and packed a few things for myself as well as for Andrew thinking he would want other things then just what he was wearing. I went back into the car and we left. The water was following us. Creeping up on us. We got to the house on the cliff where Andrew was. When we got there, the water was almost over the cliff. Andrew came out of the house, the water was starting to creep in. He took the bag from me and took my hand and we walked away from the house. My grandma didn't follow.
That was my dream. I've always been interested in dreams and interpreting them. Dreams can give us an insight into our subconscience. I looked up what water meant and bridges.
To dream water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions. This seems reasonable considering my last blog.
To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. I've made a few decisions this past month. I am starting the nursing program in a week. That is a change a positive change that is definitely positive.
I looked at the significance of what the little things in my dream may mean. In doing so, I have come up with an interpretation.
I have been a huge ball of emotions. I have been working on some things and trying to let go of other things, like the death of my grandma. I think her with her suitcase symbolizes that I am letting her go. I am moving on from what has been and what could have been and looking forward to life now. I will still remember all the times we had together always but its time to live in the now. I think thats why we crossed the bridg.e
I really believe I am finally moving on and letting go. Since that dream I have felt different. I have felt a relief like a weight has been lifted. I feel more happy as well. Its just been a different feeling but a good different and I'm happy about that. I am happy that I am finally able to let go and move on. Experience new things and make new memories with my friends and family.
The ocean was rising. It was rising rapidly. All the bridges were already under water. Andrew and I made our way out to this house that was on this cliff. The water was following us. Creeping up on us everytime we moved. When we got to the cliff it couldn't make its way up. We were safe for now. Then the dream changed. I was in the house I grew up in. My grandma (she passed away in high school) was there. She had a suitcase packed and she was cooking. I was trying to get my grandma to leave the house, but she wouldn't. She said she would leave her house once the water started to take over. Just then the water started to creep into the house. She pulled out the handle to her suitcase and she said lets go. (She was speaking to me in spanish.) I took her suitcase from her and took it to the car. I thought that was a good idea to have clothes. I ran back into the house and packed a few things for myself as well as for Andrew thinking he would want other things then just what he was wearing. I went back into the car and we left. The water was following us. Creeping up on us. We got to the house on the cliff where Andrew was. When we got there, the water was almost over the cliff. Andrew came out of the house, the water was starting to creep in. He took the bag from me and took my hand and we walked away from the house. My grandma didn't follow.
That was my dream. I've always been interested in dreams and interpreting them. Dreams can give us an insight into our subconscience. I looked up what water meant and bridges.
To dream water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions. This seems reasonable considering my last blog.
To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. I've made a few decisions this past month. I am starting the nursing program in a week. That is a change a positive change that is definitely positive.
I looked at the significance of what the little things in my dream may mean. In doing so, I have come up with an interpretation.
I have been a huge ball of emotions. I have been working on some things and trying to let go of other things, like the death of my grandma. I think her with her suitcase symbolizes that I am letting her go. I am moving on from what has been and what could have been and looking forward to life now. I will still remember all the times we had together always but its time to live in the now. I think thats why we crossed the bridg.e
I really believe I am finally moving on and letting go. Since that dream I have felt different. I have felt a relief like a weight has been lifted. I feel more happy as well. Its just been a different feeling but a good different and I'm happy about that. I am happy that I am finally able to let go and move on. Experience new things and make new memories with my friends and family.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Forward Motion
I was going to write a poor me entry. Oh poor me this, poor me that, but I changed my mind. I realized that that isn't who I am. Its not what I stand for. Yes, its ok to feel sorry for yourself. Its ok to think everything seems to always go wrong. However, it's not good to dwell on it. This may seem like a poor me at the beginning but thats not its intentions.
I've been feeling so....so...I don't even know how to describe it. I've been feeling very down. I feel at times I can't go on. I rememeber times before in the past when I would feel like this. My immediate response was always how can I bring physical pain to myself to numb the pain I feel inside? How can I feel more alive.
This time, those thoughts didn't come in my head like they used to. I once thought where is the safety pin. (I liked using the safety pin. Kind of a funny name for something that can hurt. The point is dull not sharp like a knife or blade, but it takes a lot more time to make a cut. The pain that is felt isn't instant, it is gradual.) But, I never acted on it. I pushed that thought out of my head. It wasn't what I wanted to do.
I just wanted to talk to someone. To know someone felt like I did, that I wasn't the only one struggling. It all feels like a dream, like I am not real.
Everytime I tried to talk to say something to the person I wanted to, it would feel like they didn't want to, like they were pushing me away. (Maybe I was doing the pushing...I don't know.) I don't open up to a lot of people and it's very rare when I begin to. Since then, I have kind of been closed off. Probably to the point of pushing them away.
The past two weeks or so I have cried every single night. That is not me.
I texted my friend last night. I had a sudden realization that I never sincerely apologized for causing him pain time and time again. (I was thinking about how whenever I get hurt people don't seem to apologize for their actions or words. They do so because I say something about an apology. So when they do apologize it isn't that sincere.) He's always been such an amazing friend. He sent a text asking what was going on. He didn't wait for me to answer, he called me. I don't usually answer the phone when he calls. I almost didn't, but something in me was telling me that I needed to and so I did. I am glad I listened to that little voice.
I answered and he asks what's wrong. My normal reply is nothing. He knows me better then that. He asks again and I reply with the normal nothing. He asks one more time and says "What's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because something is wrong. You have done 3 uncharacteristic things. You are crying and you don't cry easily. You answered the phone you hardly ever answer the phone. And you answered the phone crying something you never do. Don't tell me nothing is wrong because something is wrong. Now spill."
Sometimes its like he knows me better then myself. Sometimes I can just start to say what it is I'm feeling without know the words I want to use and he knows. He just knows how I am feeling what I want to say. I never know how to say things how to word it. I think it's mostly because I am afraid to share. Afraid for someone to know me so intimately and yet he knows me like that. Why I am not sure. I have tried to figure this out. Maybe it's because he pushes his way through...no that can't be it. I think it is because he knows what it is thats going on without me having to say it. It's as if he is in my head.
Everything is beginning to change for me. I have entered the nursing program and going to learn and go forward with my life in a career that I am excited about. As excited as I am, I am also sad. Sad that the people who have always been so important to me are not here to watch me grow. They aren't here to see the person I am becoming. I feel like things would be different if my grandma was still here, if my Nino was still here. Its hard to continue life to push forward to go on.
My friend pointed out that I never really grieved for any of them. I found ways to numb the pain instead of facing them head on.
I think now its finally all coming at me at once because of the changes and how I am feeling towards this new chapter of my life.
I know I need to attack all of this straight forward. I can't numb the pain anymore. I need to face that which I have been avoiding. I can't afford to have breakdowns. I can't afford to have to deal with these things during the next 2.5 years. I need to be completely invested and focus on my schooling. I need to study hard and work hard to be the best that I can as a nurse.
My friend and I talked about several things. Well, maybe he talked more then me, I was in tears through most of it, but everything he said was everything I couldn't voice. The question of should I be in a relationship right now came up. It has been something I have been thinking about. Should I really be involved in something when I have so much I need to deal with? I still don't know. I still don't have an answer. He thinks I shouldn't be. A small part of me thinks a small part of him said this for selfish purposes, but he may be right. It's possible that when things get unbearable that I may push the boundaries and use it to numb the pain. He turned the tables. He does some of the same things that I do and he asked me what I would have told him. How I deal with the pain isn't the way to deal with it. It just numbs it for a little while but when it comes back it comes back much more then before. It builds until it becomes too much. I am at that point. I am at the point where I have to face it I need to deal with it.
I started to face some of the things last night with my friend. He talked me through. I hadn't realized how deep I had gotten. How lost I was. I know part of it is I turned my back on God. I had chosen to forget some truths because I am angry. Things could be a whole lot worse for me. I know that because of Him they aren't that bad. I know because of him I have my wonderful friend who has been trying to help me face all of this for a very long time. But like I've said before you can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I want help now. I want to move past this. I want to be able to let go and move forward and begin to fully enjoy and live life. I know that is what my grandma would want most for me. I know that is what my Nino would want for me. As well as my Nina. They wouldn't want me to feel so much pain. They wouldn't want me to be stuck. They want me to continue my life. To live and serve the one who has created us, the one who gives us life, the one watches over each and everyone of us.
I'll probably always have this struggle with Him, but that discussion is for another time.
I've been feeling so....so...I don't even know how to describe it. I've been feeling very down. I feel at times I can't go on. I rememeber times before in the past when I would feel like this. My immediate response was always how can I bring physical pain to myself to numb the pain I feel inside? How can I feel more alive.
This time, those thoughts didn't come in my head like they used to. I once thought where is the safety pin. (I liked using the safety pin. Kind of a funny name for something that can hurt. The point is dull not sharp like a knife or blade, but it takes a lot more time to make a cut. The pain that is felt isn't instant, it is gradual.) But, I never acted on it. I pushed that thought out of my head. It wasn't what I wanted to do.
I just wanted to talk to someone. To know someone felt like I did, that I wasn't the only one struggling. It all feels like a dream, like I am not real.
Everytime I tried to talk to say something to the person I wanted to, it would feel like they didn't want to, like they were pushing me away. (Maybe I was doing the pushing...I don't know.) I don't open up to a lot of people and it's very rare when I begin to. Since then, I have kind of been closed off. Probably to the point of pushing them away.
The past two weeks or so I have cried every single night. That is not me.
I texted my friend last night. I had a sudden realization that I never sincerely apologized for causing him pain time and time again. (I was thinking about how whenever I get hurt people don't seem to apologize for their actions or words. They do so because I say something about an apology. So when they do apologize it isn't that sincere.) He's always been such an amazing friend. He sent a text asking what was going on. He didn't wait for me to answer, he called me. I don't usually answer the phone when he calls. I almost didn't, but something in me was telling me that I needed to and so I did. I am glad I listened to that little voice.
I answered and he asks what's wrong. My normal reply is nothing. He knows me better then that. He asks again and I reply with the normal nothing. He asks one more time and says "What's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because something is wrong. You have done 3 uncharacteristic things. You are crying and you don't cry easily. You answered the phone you hardly ever answer the phone. And you answered the phone crying something you never do. Don't tell me nothing is wrong because something is wrong. Now spill."
Sometimes its like he knows me better then myself. Sometimes I can just start to say what it is I'm feeling without know the words I want to use and he knows. He just knows how I am feeling what I want to say. I never know how to say things how to word it. I think it's mostly because I am afraid to share. Afraid for someone to know me so intimately and yet he knows me like that. Why I am not sure. I have tried to figure this out. Maybe it's because he pushes his way through...no that can't be it. I think it is because he knows what it is thats going on without me having to say it. It's as if he is in my head.
Everything is beginning to change for me. I have entered the nursing program and going to learn and go forward with my life in a career that I am excited about. As excited as I am, I am also sad. Sad that the people who have always been so important to me are not here to watch me grow. They aren't here to see the person I am becoming. I feel like things would be different if my grandma was still here, if my Nino was still here. Its hard to continue life to push forward to go on.
My friend pointed out that I never really grieved for any of them. I found ways to numb the pain instead of facing them head on.
I think now its finally all coming at me at once because of the changes and how I am feeling towards this new chapter of my life.
I know I need to attack all of this straight forward. I can't numb the pain anymore. I need to face that which I have been avoiding. I can't afford to have breakdowns. I can't afford to have to deal with these things during the next 2.5 years. I need to be completely invested and focus on my schooling. I need to study hard and work hard to be the best that I can as a nurse.
My friend and I talked about several things. Well, maybe he talked more then me, I was in tears through most of it, but everything he said was everything I couldn't voice. The question of should I be in a relationship right now came up. It has been something I have been thinking about. Should I really be involved in something when I have so much I need to deal with? I still don't know. I still don't have an answer. He thinks I shouldn't be. A small part of me thinks a small part of him said this for selfish purposes, but he may be right. It's possible that when things get unbearable that I may push the boundaries and use it to numb the pain. He turned the tables. He does some of the same things that I do and he asked me what I would have told him. How I deal with the pain isn't the way to deal with it. It just numbs it for a little while but when it comes back it comes back much more then before. It builds until it becomes too much. I am at that point. I am at the point where I have to face it I need to deal with it.
I started to face some of the things last night with my friend. He talked me through. I hadn't realized how deep I had gotten. How lost I was. I know part of it is I turned my back on God. I had chosen to forget some truths because I am angry. Things could be a whole lot worse for me. I know that because of Him they aren't that bad. I know because of him I have my wonderful friend who has been trying to help me face all of this for a very long time. But like I've said before you can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I want help now. I want to move past this. I want to be able to let go and move forward and begin to fully enjoy and live life. I know that is what my grandma would want most for me. I know that is what my Nino would want for me. As well as my Nina. They wouldn't want me to feel so much pain. They wouldn't want me to be stuck. They want me to continue my life. To live and serve the one who has created us, the one who gives us life, the one watches over each and everyone of us.
I'll probably always have this struggle with Him, but that discussion is for another time.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Is it ever just a dream?
It's been over a month since I've written anything. I didn't have anything amusing or a good story to tell. I have been told many times, by several different people, that I should write a story. I never thought about that until they suggested it. I don't think I would be very good, but maybe it's something I could use to pass the time.
I like dreams. Dreams are pretty much stories we make up while we are sleeping. I have some pretty good dreams. I am fortunate that I can remember my dreams. When I remember them I remember everything that happened in the dream, even little details. My dreams are so vivid that sometimes when I wake up I wonder if it really happened.
We can be anything we want to in our dreams. Dreams show us what we may not want to face while we are awake. I also think that who we are in our dreams may not be who we are when we are awake. Our dream selves show us what we fear most or who we want to be. Most often, I think its who we want to be in situations that occur in our lives.
Sometimes we want to be the hero, and other times we want to be saved.
Bad dreams creep into the middle of our good dreams. These are our fears making its way deeper into our lives trying to take root to stay there until we face them and pull them out. Bad dreams can leave an impression. Sometimes after a bad dream I don't want to sleep again for fear of it getting worse. I'll stick with my good dreams thank you very much.
But through the good dreams and the bad dreams we can really see ourselves for who we are. We can find solutions to our everyday problems and for things we struggle with. We can face our fears. We can see the things we need to work on to better ourselves. Our dreams are more then just stories. Our dreams are who we are, who we strive to be...what we long for....
I like dreams. Dreams are pretty much stories we make up while we are sleeping. I have some pretty good dreams. I am fortunate that I can remember my dreams. When I remember them I remember everything that happened in the dream, even little details. My dreams are so vivid that sometimes when I wake up I wonder if it really happened.
We can be anything we want to in our dreams. Dreams show us what we may not want to face while we are awake. I also think that who we are in our dreams may not be who we are when we are awake. Our dream selves show us what we fear most or who we want to be. Most often, I think its who we want to be in situations that occur in our lives.
Sometimes we want to be the hero, and other times we want to be saved.
Bad dreams creep into the middle of our good dreams. These are our fears making its way deeper into our lives trying to take root to stay there until we face them and pull them out. Bad dreams can leave an impression. Sometimes after a bad dream I don't want to sleep again for fear of it getting worse. I'll stick with my good dreams thank you very much.
But through the good dreams and the bad dreams we can really see ourselves for who we are. We can find solutions to our everyday problems and for things we struggle with. We can face our fears. We can see the things we need to work on to better ourselves. Our dreams are more then just stories. Our dreams are who we are, who we strive to be...what we long for....
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
As Friday draws near...
Friday is the Funeral.
As the day comes closer, it feels more real.
I miss my grandma.
I miss my nino.
I miss my cousin Tracy.
I miss my grandpa.
Now I add to the list.
I miss my nina.
The people I was closest to.
The people I love.
It feels like they were taken too soon.
There wasn't enough time for me to really know them
Take every opportunity to know someone.
Don't be afraid to ask a question.
Ask.
Use the answer wisely and cherish it.
I miss my nina.
I miss my grandma.
I miss my nino.
I miss my cousin Tracy.
I miss my granpa.
As the day comes closer, it feels more real.
I miss my grandma.
I miss my nino.
I miss my cousin Tracy.
I miss my grandpa.
Now I add to the list.
I miss my nina.
The people I was closest to.
The people I love.
It feels like they were taken too soon.
There wasn't enough time for me to really know them
Take every opportunity to know someone.
Don't be afraid to ask a question.
Ask.
Use the answer wisely and cherish it.
I miss my nina.
I miss my grandma.
I miss my nino.
I miss my cousin Tracy.
I miss my granpa.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Good Bye...
Saying good bye is hard to do, even when it is just for a little away. Its even harder when you know that it's the last time you'll ever say good bye to someone.
What do you do? Do you say all the things you want to say? Do you say what you think they want to hear? I say, less is more. The simplest of words can mean so much. Saying "Hi" to someone with a smile can drastically change a persons day.
So what do you say to someone when you know it is going to be the last time you see them? You tell them just how you feel in as few words as you can. Its very simple. There are three words that mean so much. They tell a person just how much you care about them. It tells them that no matter how they have made you feel in the past that you forgive them. These little words can change a persons outlook on life. They can say so much more then you want to, and better.
That's exactly how I felt last weekend when I went to Fresno. I knew it would be the last time I saw my aunt. I knew it was our last good bye. A smile. A hug. I love you.
Forever she will be with my nino, my cousin Tracy, my aunt Mary, my grandma, my grandpa, and my baby brother Matthew. In our memories. In our hearts. In our love.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Change..
Sometimes life throws a curve ball. We want life to turn out a certain way, the way we want it to be. Yet, change happens. Change is the curveball. Our lives are no longer the way we want it to be. Change happens because a failed relationship, death that has taken a love one away, someone close and dear to you decides to enlist, or simply we grow up. We grow up and we learn that we can't always have it our way.
Sometimes when we do things the way we want to everything falls apart, or so it seems. Nothing ever seems to go our way. We try too hard to make it last, to make it work, that we end up pushing that person away. We don't want our family and friends to die, especially when it comes too early. We want so badly for them to not enlist, yet we want them to be happy that we support their decision. Yet, when we finally let go of this need to control everything to control our lives and the lives of those around us we are free. Free to experience life as it should be, by letting the pieces fall into place.
Soon the unexpected begins to happen.
It seems life begins to fall into place. You grow from lost relationships and learn from your mistakes. After losing someone after a long battle with cancer or some other disease or an unexpected accidet, you find that you grow closer to others. Life is thrown into perspective for you. You realize just how short life is that you decide to embrace every opportunity thrown at you, whether its pizza with this guy, helping someone in need, or simply being there for someone. Through support of your enlistee you grow closer, appreciate each other more. The most important thing is to not live a life of regret, but embrace every opportunity as if its the last.
Sometimes when we do things the way we want to everything falls apart, or so it seems. Nothing ever seems to go our way. We try too hard to make it last, to make it work, that we end up pushing that person away. We don't want our family and friends to die, especially when it comes too early. We want so badly for them to not enlist, yet we want them to be happy that we support their decision. Yet, when we finally let go of this need to control everything to control our lives and the lives of those around us we are free. Free to experience life as it should be, by letting the pieces fall into place.
Soon the unexpected begins to happen.
It seems life begins to fall into place. You grow from lost relationships and learn from your mistakes. After losing someone after a long battle with cancer or some other disease or an unexpected accidet, you find that you grow closer to others. Life is thrown into perspective for you. You realize just how short life is that you decide to embrace every opportunity thrown at you, whether its pizza with this guy, helping someone in need, or simply being there for someone. Through support of your enlistee you grow closer, appreciate each other more. The most important thing is to not live a life of regret, but embrace every opportunity as if its the last.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The end is near....
A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. Finals happened. Didn't do as well as I should've, but I passed. Last quarter was hard for me. Being away from my nina, worrying about her, not knowing what was going to happen next. I wanted to be there this summer to spend time with her, I feel this is the last summer I'll have with her. I am in Reno. My cousin needs my help. She doesn't really have anyone up here who can help her. I really don't mind. I would rather be where I am needed most then to be where i want to be.
My Nina isn't doing to well. She was in the hospital a few weeks ago with an open sore which ended up being a wound. She had a fungal infection in her tummy. She's out of the hospital now. She's not doing chemo anymore. She went in on Friday for chemo and they told her there wasn't much they can do for her. They gave her a shot to make her comfortable. I feel soon she will pass but I know she won't be suffering anymore and on that day I will be happy for that.
We went down to Fresno. I am most worried about my cousin. I know my aunt is at terms with whats happening to her but my cousins I am most worried about. They are going through this again. I wish I could be there with my little cousin. I know she needs me. She's hurting, though I know me being there with her this weekend helped her out a lot.
We started talking and it really reminded me of how i felt when my grandma was going through this. I still think about. I have been missing my Nino lately, my cousin has been thinking and missing him too. We talked about him and I pretty much told her about my grandma. We connected and she understood that I understood how she was feeling.
I know with time she'll be ok. Part of me is hoping she'll call me tell me she needs me there with her. I will be there in a heartbeat as soon as I can just for her. She means the world to me. Not just her but her dad (my cousin who I call big brother), her sister and her step mom. My aunts and my cousins in Reno as well. I can only hope and wish the best for all of us right now.
My Nina isn't doing to well. She was in the hospital a few weeks ago with an open sore which ended up being a wound. She had a fungal infection in her tummy. She's out of the hospital now. She's not doing chemo anymore. She went in on Friday for chemo and they told her there wasn't much they can do for her. They gave her a shot to make her comfortable. I feel soon she will pass but I know she won't be suffering anymore and on that day I will be happy for that.
We went down to Fresno. I am most worried about my cousin. I know my aunt is at terms with whats happening to her but my cousins I am most worried about. They are going through this again. I wish I could be there with my little cousin. I know she needs me. She's hurting, though I know me being there with her this weekend helped her out a lot.
We started talking and it really reminded me of how i felt when my grandma was going through this. I still think about. I have been missing my Nino lately, my cousin has been thinking and missing him too. We talked about him and I pretty much told her about my grandma. We connected and she understood that I understood how she was feeling.
I know with time she'll be ok. Part of me is hoping she'll call me tell me she needs me there with her. I will be there in a heartbeat as soon as I can just for her. She means the world to me. Not just her but her dad (my cousin who I call big brother), her sister and her step mom. My aunts and my cousins in Reno as well. I can only hope and wish the best for all of us right now.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Let the "Fight" begin!
So as you know, my cousin’s are all having babies. I am so excited for them! However, it seems the “fight” for me has begun. My cousin left this comment on my facebook and Jeff (Felicia’s husband made a comment)to which I responded:
Jay: So I did the numbers and figured out that if you moved back to Fresno, you would make more money from babysitting the new cousins and tutoring Alex than you would as a nursing school graduate! Just some food for thought...
So I responded this way to Jay and look at what everyone said!
Me: you'll have to show me these numbers
Nacho Cheese: Good answer
Jay: I'm your cousin! Would I lie to you?!? :)
Felicia: Well if u came to Reno for the summer babysat for kats and became a cocktail waitress at night u be rolling in dough that u have enough money for the year working 3 months and can go back to school with money in your pockets!!
Nacho Cheese: Fresno,fresno,fresno
Me: you have me for the summer felicia...but i won't be a cocktail waitress haha
Felicia: Damn and I thought I beable to go to the casino and get free beer ohhh I forgot free Shirley temples!!
Jay: You mean you don't want to spend summer in Fresno?!? We have everything from Valley Fever to Beiber Fever!
Chicken: Reno, Reno, Reno! Mom and aunt knows best!
Felicia: I don't know about fresno and this so called beaver fever is but I want to stay away from that sounds too sticky and could get u in alot of trouble!!
Jay: Lol. Not beaver fever...Beiber fever!
Nacho Cheese: Please guys the children remember? Bad language must cease
Vanessa: I agree with Jay Fresno is the best place for you lol j/k whatever you choose is a good choice i guess :/ lol :)
Me: oh my gosh you guys are all amazing! i love ya!
jay ewwww bieber gross! and here i thought you wanted me there lol
I’m excited to see what happens…wonder who will step up to pay for my schooling? Haha I love my family and I wish I could be in 3 places at once. A teleportation device needs to be made before these babies are born! Quick someone get on that!
Jay: So I did the numbers and figured out that if you moved back to Fresno, you would make more money from babysitting the new cousins and tutoring Alex than you would as a nursing school graduate! Just some food for thought...
Jeff: if she comes and babysits mine she can go to nursing school and get paid :)
Me: I know! whoever pays for my nursing school that's where I'll go! Hehe
Me: I know! whoever pays for my nursing school that's where I'll go! Hehe
Me: you'll have to show me these numbers
Nacho Cheese: Good answer
Jay: I'm your cousin! Would I lie to you?!? :)
Felicia: Well if u came to Reno for the summer babysat for kats and became a cocktail waitress at night u be rolling in dough that u have enough money for the year working 3 months and can go back to school with money in your pockets!!
Nacho Cheese: Fresno,fresno,fresno
Me: you have me for the summer felicia...but i won't be a cocktail waitress haha
Felicia: Damn and I thought I beable to go to the casino and get free beer ohhh I forgot free Shirley temples!!
Jay: You mean you don't want to spend summer in Fresno?!? We have everything from Valley Fever to Beiber Fever!
Chicken: Reno, Reno, Reno! Mom and aunt knows best!
Felicia: I don't know about fresno and this so called beaver fever is but I want to stay away from that sounds too sticky and could get u in alot of trouble!!
Jay: Lol. Not beaver fever...Beiber fever!
Nacho Cheese: Please guys the children remember? Bad language must cease
Vanessa: I agree with Jay Fresno is the best place for you lol j/k whatever you choose is a good choice i guess :/ lol :)
Me: oh my gosh you guys are all amazing! i love ya!
jay ewwww bieber gross! and here i thought you wanted me there lol
I’m excited to see what happens…wonder who will step up to pay for my schooling? Haha I love my family and I wish I could be in 3 places at once. A teleportation device needs to be made before these babies are born! Quick someone get on that!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Babies!!!!
I thought that before I start dinner I should write. I haven't written in awhile and there is so much that has been going on! My aunt is doing better after she got the blood transfusion. She sounds so much better when I talked to her on the phone. She's doing good and I am glad she is doing so much better. My cousin, Felicia, in Reno is doing good. Although, there is a part of her foot that is still not healing. It is oozing out cool gross stuff. If it doesn't heal they are going to have to amputate further. I hope it heals.
Amidst bad news good news can only follow. Right? CORRECT! My aunts son, my cousin, Jay, who is like big brother to me, is having another child! It is a girl, her name is Abigail, and she is due in October! I am so excited for them. They have 2 girls already, Alexis and Ameila(Millie). (I wonder if they notice what they did.) Alexis is going into high school next year! I can't believe how grown up she is. In 4 years she will be in college! Ameilia is 5 years old and she is a handful! In a good way though. She's always so excited when I visit. I miss them so much!
Felicia is also expecting another child! She has a little girl who is 6! She starts first grade soon. She is due in November. She finds out soon what they baby is. I am so excited! I am hoping it is a boy. I want a baby boy in the family.
I found out a few minutes before I decided to write this blog that another of my cousin's, Nacho Cheese (we have the same birthday) is also expecting a child! That is three new additions to our family! I don't know much about their baby, but I will soon. He has a son already.
I am so excited about the new additions to our family! Babies make me smile! They are so cute! I don't have very many classes left to take. I have decided to take classes Fall quarter and take Winter quarter off. If I am needed in Fresno or Reno I will be spending that quarter there to help out. I love helping my family and taking care of their children. It makes me excited and somewhat prepared for when I have kids. I won't be having kids for awhile though. I have to be financially stable and be able to support myself before I can be able to support a family. I also need to me married first before I can have kids. Haha which reminds me of something Millie said to me once when my aunt was in the hospital. This is how our conversation went:
Millie- Tammy, did you know my mommy is pregnant?
Me- I did! I am excited for her.Do you want a baby brother or a baby sister?
Millie- I want a baby brother!
Me- I want you to have a baby brother too.
Millie- Tammy, are you pregnant?
Me- hahah What?! No! I'm not pregnant.
Millie- Oh, why not?
Me- Because I'm not married. I have to be married before I can have babies.
Millie- No you don't!
Me- Yes you have to be married before you have babies.
*Millie looks towards mommy*
Nichole (her mom)- Yes you have to be married before you have babies
She seemed satisfied with that. Like if her mommy says so then its right. Some time later, I was reading something or talking to her or something and she says:
Millie- You should get married.
Me- I can't get married I don't have a boyfriend
Millie*whispers in my ear*- You can marry Greg.
Me- No, I don't want to marry Greg. He's my friend.
Millie- Oh.
She seemed sad. It was cute. I miss her so much. She says the most adorable things. I feel like I missed Alex growing up, she is now going into high school! I know this is an exciting time for my whole family and I'm super happy and thankful to be a part of this. I know God has so many more plans for me and my family. He is blessing us with three new little ones.
Amidst bad news good news can only follow. Right? CORRECT! My aunts son, my cousin, Jay, who is like big brother to me, is having another child! It is a girl, her name is Abigail, and she is due in October! I am so excited for them. They have 2 girls already, Alexis and Ameila(Millie). (I wonder if they notice what they did.) Alexis is going into high school next year! I can't believe how grown up she is. In 4 years she will be in college! Ameilia is 5 years old and she is a handful! In a good way though. She's always so excited when I visit. I miss them so much!
Felicia is also expecting another child! She has a little girl who is 6! She starts first grade soon. She is due in November. She finds out soon what they baby is. I am so excited! I am hoping it is a boy. I want a baby boy in the family.
I found out a few minutes before I decided to write this blog that another of my cousin's, Nacho Cheese (we have the same birthday) is also expecting a child! That is three new additions to our family! I don't know much about their baby, but I will soon. He has a son already.
I am so excited about the new additions to our family! Babies make me smile! They are so cute! I don't have very many classes left to take. I have decided to take classes Fall quarter and take Winter quarter off. If I am needed in Fresno or Reno I will be spending that quarter there to help out. I love helping my family and taking care of their children. It makes me excited and somewhat prepared for when I have kids. I won't be having kids for awhile though. I have to be financially stable and be able to support myself before I can be able to support a family. I also need to me married first before I can have kids. Haha which reminds me of something Millie said to me once when my aunt was in the hospital. This is how our conversation went:
Millie- Tammy, did you know my mommy is pregnant?
Me- I did! I am excited for her.Do you want a baby brother or a baby sister?
Millie- I want a baby brother!
Me- I want you to have a baby brother too.
Millie- Tammy, are you pregnant?
Me- hahah What?! No! I'm not pregnant.
Millie- Oh, why not?
Me- Because I'm not married. I have to be married before I can have babies.
Millie- No you don't!
Me- Yes you have to be married before you have babies.
*Millie looks towards mommy*
Nichole (her mom)- Yes you have to be married before you have babies
She seemed satisfied with that. Like if her mommy says so then its right. Some time later, I was reading something or talking to her or something and she says:
Millie- You should get married.
Me- I can't get married I don't have a boyfriend
Millie*whispers in my ear*- You can marry Greg.
Me- No, I don't want to marry Greg. He's my friend.
Millie- Oh.
She seemed sad. It was cute. I miss her so much. She says the most adorable things. I feel like I missed Alex growing up, she is now going into high school! I know this is an exciting time for my whole family and I'm super happy and thankful to be a part of this. I know God has so many more plans for me and my family. He is blessing us with three new little ones.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What goes up....must come down...
Sometimes it seems the more fun you have the worse the bad news is....
Last night was the Paramore/Relient K/Fun concert. It was amazing fun (lol). The lead singer of fun, Nate Ruess, was also the lead singer to The Format. The Format disbanded in 2008. Soon after Nate joined forces with Andrew Dost of Anthallo and Jack Antonoff of Steeltrain. Together they make fun (lol). "Calm Calm" is probably the song that is in my head right now. They are a pretty nifty indie pop band and you should check them out! Relient k came out next. I had read an interview with Matt T and he said that there was a good mix of new and old material. I was excited. It has been a LONG time since I heard them play their "old" stuff. The set consisted of 3 songs from 2 different albums and the rest from their newest album Forget and not slow down I like Forget and not slow down and they played my favorite songs from the album, Sahara and Therapy. The different songs were Be my escape and Must've done something right (which both are from Mhmm) and another from Two lefts don't make a right...but three do. They also covered a song by Cake called The distance. Where Matt T. and Ethan showed off their pretty amazing trumpeting skills. (My cousin Alexis was making fun of me the whole time during Rk set because I knew every song and which album they went to when it came up. As well as a whole bunch of other information.) I must say Paramore puts on a pretty good show. They interact with their fans, which I think is excellent. That made me like them a little bit more. For one song, Hayley picked a few fans from the front to join her on stage to sing and dance. I think that is pretty amazing of artists to do. To me, it shows that they do care about their fans and appreciate their support.
As the title says "What goes up...must come down..."
I got home about 1:30am to find my Nina gone. I worry. Especially after seeing her yesterday. She looked...I wanted to cry. My Nina is very weak. I texted her phone hoping she had it so I could know what was going on, but I never got a text back. I fell asleep (because of exhaustion around 3. I woke up every 15-20 minutes. I couldn't fully sleep/rest not knowing what was going on. At about 7ish this morning Sam came and told me this: "On Friday they told her she needed a blood transfusion...they put it off until Saturday and then again until Monday. Last night she was really weak. I was scared and worried. I called the ambulance and they picked her up. I followed in the car. She had a really low blood pressure and her sodium was really high. They believe there is an obstruction at the surgery site. They put a nasopharyngl tube down to drain all the bile that was sitting in her stomach. It was kinda cool watching it wiz through the tube. *I chimed in with my 2 cents about how cool that stuff is.* They kept the tube in. At first it was painful but now it is tolerable. They gave her a few pints of blood already. She is stable now."
So much is running through my head that my thoughts are unable to fully form and are not coherent. They are all jumbly. I still don't understand why they didn't give her the blood on Friday. Even the doctor in the ER were wondering the same thing. Why wasn't she given blood? But the important thing is that now she has the blood and now she is stable and now she is doing better then she was. The important thing is now.
Is it horrible that I have lost hope? I should clarify. I don't believe my aunt is going to pull through. I believe she as at the last few months of her life. She will not defeat the cancer and live. But, she will defeat the cancer and die. My aunt is strong and stubborn. As horribly as it is tearing her down she is not going to let it bring her spirits down. I don't want to see her suffering anymore. I don't want her to be in pain. I want her to have peace. She has hope. Not hope that she is going to defeat this but hope that she will be pain free. She is looking forward. In this sense I have hope. Hope that a better place is waiting for her. Hope that she will stay strong and not lose faith. Hope.
Last night was the Paramore/Relient K/Fun concert. It was amazing fun (lol). The lead singer of fun, Nate Ruess, was also the lead singer to The Format. The Format disbanded in 2008. Soon after Nate joined forces with Andrew Dost of Anthallo and Jack Antonoff of Steeltrain. Together they make fun (lol). "Calm Calm" is probably the song that is in my head right now. They are a pretty nifty indie pop band and you should check them out! Relient k came out next. I had read an interview with Matt T and he said that there was a good mix of new and old material. I was excited. It has been a LONG time since I heard them play their "old" stuff. The set consisted of 3 songs from 2 different albums and the rest from their newest album Forget and not slow down I like Forget and not slow down and they played my favorite songs from the album, Sahara and Therapy. The different songs were Be my escape and Must've done something right (which both are from Mhmm) and another from Two lefts don't make a right...but three do. They also covered a song by Cake called The distance. Where Matt T. and Ethan showed off their pretty amazing trumpeting skills. (My cousin Alexis was making fun of me the whole time during Rk set because I knew every song and which album they went to when it came up. As well as a whole bunch of other information.) I must say Paramore puts on a pretty good show. They interact with their fans, which I think is excellent. That made me like them a little bit more. For one song, Hayley picked a few fans from the front to join her on stage to sing and dance. I think that is pretty amazing of artists to do. To me, it shows that they do care about their fans and appreciate their support.
As the title says "What goes up...must come down..."
I got home about 1:30am to find my Nina gone. I worry. Especially after seeing her yesterday. She looked...I wanted to cry. My Nina is very weak. I texted her phone hoping she had it so I could know what was going on, but I never got a text back. I fell asleep (because of exhaustion around 3. I woke up every 15-20 minutes. I couldn't fully sleep/rest not knowing what was going on. At about 7ish this morning Sam came and told me this: "On Friday they told her she needed a blood transfusion...they put it off until Saturday and then again until Monday. Last night she was really weak. I was scared and worried. I called the ambulance and they picked her up. I followed in the car. She had a really low blood pressure and her sodium was really high. They believe there is an obstruction at the surgery site. They put a nasopharyngl tube down to drain all the bile that was sitting in her stomach. It was kinda cool watching it wiz through the tube. *I chimed in with my 2 cents about how cool that stuff is.* They kept the tube in. At first it was painful but now it is tolerable. They gave her a few pints of blood already. She is stable now."
So much is running through my head that my thoughts are unable to fully form and are not coherent. They are all jumbly. I still don't understand why they didn't give her the blood on Friday. Even the doctor in the ER were wondering the same thing. Why wasn't she given blood? But the important thing is that now she has the blood and now she is stable and now she is doing better then she was. The important thing is now.
Is it horrible that I have lost hope? I should clarify. I don't believe my aunt is going to pull through. I believe she as at the last few months of her life. She will not defeat the cancer and live. But, she will defeat the cancer and die. My aunt is strong and stubborn. As horribly as it is tearing her down she is not going to let it bring her spirits down. I don't want to see her suffering anymore. I don't want her to be in pain. I want her to have peace. She has hope. Not hope that she is going to defeat this but hope that she will be pain free. She is looking forward. In this sense I have hope. Hope that a better place is waiting for her. Hope that she will stay strong and not lose faith. Hope.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Today...Tomorrow...Forever
Today I found out that a friend from high school passed away. We were good friends. He was very smart. Not just book smart. He had a kind, loving heart. He had a beautiful heart for God. His faith was amazing. I remember one time his friend and him spent some time among the homeless. It was amazing to see that they were willing to humble themselves and be willing to go down to nothing. I'll always remember him. The talks we shared, the smiles we exchanged. The willingness he had to help me out when I needed it. A wonderful friend he was to all. Everyone will remember him like that.
This woke me up big time. Life is short. God can call us home at any minute. We need to step up and take control of our lives. We need to set straight our priorities. Put God first and live our lives as if today is our very last day on this earth. Have you told that everyone recently how much they mean to you? Have you called that friend you have been meaning to? Don't save these things for tomorrow. Why do what you can today tomorrow?
I was thinking about him a lot for the past month. I was going to call him many times during that time but never got around to it. Something always came up....and now he is gone and I will never talk to him again...well, until the day I join him in Heaven. I was feeling all sad and for some reason ashamed. Why ashamed I'm not sure. Probably because I could've called him. Sad because I won't get that time back. I won't get to say the things I wish I had told him. My friend told me that as much fun as it would be to hang out with him here he is having fun in heaven. And I told her, "That is the Joy of all of this. He is in a beautiful place."
I know I have been meaning to write the blog about God and my thoughts and everything and God willing I will do that tomorrow. Its important that I let people know just how much God really loves us and how much its ok to struggle and have doubts. God understands us. If I take anything from today its live each day like it's your last because it can be your last day.
This woke me up big time. Life is short. God can call us home at any minute. We need to step up and take control of our lives. We need to set straight our priorities. Put God first and live our lives as if today is our very last day on this earth. Have you told that everyone recently how much they mean to you? Have you called that friend you have been meaning to? Don't save these things for tomorrow. Why do what you can today tomorrow?
I was thinking about him a lot for the past month. I was going to call him many times during that time but never got around to it. Something always came up....and now he is gone and I will never talk to him again...well, until the day I join him in Heaven. I was feeling all sad and for some reason ashamed. Why ashamed I'm not sure. Probably because I could've called him. Sad because I won't get that time back. I won't get to say the things I wish I had told him. My friend told me that as much fun as it would be to hang out with him here he is having fun in heaven. And I told her, "That is the Joy of all of this. He is in a beautiful place."
I know I have been meaning to write the blog about God and my thoughts and everything and God willing I will do that tomorrow. Its important that I let people know just how much God really loves us and how much its ok to struggle and have doubts. God understands us. If I take anything from today its live each day like it's your last because it can be your last day.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"You don't have it so bad"
I have been typing and deleting for the past 20 minutes. Everything I have begun to say came out all jumbled and it made no sense. Not only did it not make any sense it at time began to sound very mean. I wanted to write about my irritations and why its so irritating and frustrating. In the middle of it my very good friend who I had been texting asked me why I couldn't sleep, which led to how my aunt was doing and how I was doing. Those questions brought me back to reality.
It doesn't matter how frustrated I get with people because of how they are. No, it's not. This is a very little thing compared to what my aunt is going through, what my family is going through, and even what the world is going through. Sometimes I lose sight of how horrible life can really truly be. My life, as I have said before is amazing!
Last night, I was watching One Tree Hill, yes I still watch it. Well, Hailey's mother passed away recently from cancer. Hailey is having a hard time coping. She is really depressed. Throughout the whole episode I could sense thoughts of suicide. Maybe I noticed it because I have read up on it. Or maybe its because I'm a very perceptive person. But I think it's because I once had those thoughts.
It may come as a surprise for some people, and I'm not sure why I am sharing this. (Probably in hopes that someone who is thinking those thoughts comes across this entry and it touches them, it changes them, it stops them from doing it.) These thoughts occurred right after my grandma passed away. It became too much. My Nino had passed away a year before she did. The people I was closest to had left me. I felt so alone. I felt like nothing was ever going to be right again. "Its like you're supposed to be sad until the flowers die, then its supposed to be all jokes and reminiscing about the good old time." Haley said this followed by "I have no jokes. In fact I don't want to hear another joke!" She had this whole monologue where she just talked about everything she was feeling. A line that really hit home was something about being fine about things will never be fine. That's how it feels when you lose someone you care so much about and you are so close to. It feels like the world will never be the same. Everything changes when they pass on. Sometimes it feels like a hole is left in your heart. A little bit over time it heals (Grey's anatomy reference to Thursdays episode...it seems a lot of these shows have been addressing this issue...is it preparing me for something causing me to reflect for some reason? Maybe a little more on this topic in another entry). Yet sometimes, it feels like it will never heal, especially right after. The one time I seriously thought about how easy it would be to just end all the hurt all the pain a thought came across my mind that my grandma always said about people who died too early. She always said that we will never know what they could have accomplished in their lifetime. Who knows maybe they could have had the answer to the cure of some horrible disease, maybe they could've contributed so much to society, but we will never know.
What if, I have something great to contribute to society? What if I have something to share with people that can help them or save them? What if I am the answer for some people? These thoughts changed my perspective of my life. Having gone through the thought of ending my life early, I can say I have been in your shoes. I know how easy it would be, but you have to think about what you can do. You may not feel like you mean anything and you may feel like nothing in this world matters. You may feel like you have nothing to offer, but the truth is, to someone you are their world. To someone, you can change their lives. I think sometimes its just easier to give up then to push forward.
Even now, its hard to push forward seeing everything my family, this world has to go through, but the fact is that life is hard. Life is difficult. Life isn't easy, but the people you share your life with and the persepectives you hold can really and truly contribute to how you deal with life's curve balls and life's difficulties. With a solid perspective that your life is truly not that difficult, makes you see how much more difficult other people have it then you do. Even then, those people seem to be so content with the way they live and with their situation. It really makes me think that if they could be so content with so little that they have, how can I always want more when I have more then they do?
It seems the theme in my posts is "You don't have it so bad" and its true. I always want to write about something else but its where my thoughts always lead me. Probably because some people can't seem to grasp that concept and they think their lives are the worst ever. It's also because when I start writing it and I go back to reading it's seems like I'm complaining. I don't like complainers and I don't like to complain because "You don't have it so bad."
It doesn't matter how frustrated I get with people because of how they are. No, it's not. This is a very little thing compared to what my aunt is going through, what my family is going through, and even what the world is going through. Sometimes I lose sight of how horrible life can really truly be. My life, as I have said before is amazing!
Last night, I was watching One Tree Hill, yes I still watch it. Well, Hailey's mother passed away recently from cancer. Hailey is having a hard time coping. She is really depressed. Throughout the whole episode I could sense thoughts of suicide. Maybe I noticed it because I have read up on it. Or maybe its because I'm a very perceptive person. But I think it's because I once had those thoughts.
It may come as a surprise for some people, and I'm not sure why I am sharing this. (Probably in hopes that someone who is thinking those thoughts comes across this entry and it touches them, it changes them, it stops them from doing it.) These thoughts occurred right after my grandma passed away. It became too much. My Nino had passed away a year before she did. The people I was closest to had left me. I felt so alone. I felt like nothing was ever going to be right again. "Its like you're supposed to be sad until the flowers die, then its supposed to be all jokes and reminiscing about the good old time." Haley said this followed by "I have no jokes. In fact I don't want to hear another joke!" She had this whole monologue where she just talked about everything she was feeling. A line that really hit home was something about being fine about things will never be fine. That's how it feels when you lose someone you care so much about and you are so close to. It feels like the world will never be the same. Everything changes when they pass on. Sometimes it feels like a hole is left in your heart. A little bit over time it heals (Grey's anatomy reference to Thursdays episode...it seems a lot of these shows have been addressing this issue...is it preparing me for something causing me to reflect for some reason? Maybe a little more on this topic in another entry). Yet sometimes, it feels like it will never heal, especially right after. The one time I seriously thought about how easy it would be to just end all the hurt all the pain a thought came across my mind that my grandma always said about people who died too early. She always said that we will never know what they could have accomplished in their lifetime. Who knows maybe they could have had the answer to the cure of some horrible disease, maybe they could've contributed so much to society, but we will never know.
What if, I have something great to contribute to society? What if I have something to share with people that can help them or save them? What if I am the answer for some people? These thoughts changed my perspective of my life. Having gone through the thought of ending my life early, I can say I have been in your shoes. I know how easy it would be, but you have to think about what you can do. You may not feel like you mean anything and you may feel like nothing in this world matters. You may feel like you have nothing to offer, but the truth is, to someone you are their world. To someone, you can change their lives. I think sometimes its just easier to give up then to push forward.
Even now, its hard to push forward seeing everything my family, this world has to go through, but the fact is that life is hard. Life is difficult. Life isn't easy, but the people you share your life with and the persepectives you hold can really and truly contribute to how you deal with life's curve balls and life's difficulties. With a solid perspective that your life is truly not that difficult, makes you see how much more difficult other people have it then you do. Even then, those people seem to be so content with the way they live and with their situation. It really makes me think that if they could be so content with so little that they have, how can I always want more when I have more then they do?
It seems the theme in my posts is "You don't have it so bad" and its true. I always want to write about something else but its where my thoughts always lead me. Probably because some people can't seem to grasp that concept and they think their lives are the worst ever. It's also because when I start writing it and I go back to reading it's seems like I'm complaining. I don't like complainers and I don't like to complain because "You don't have it so bad."
Friday, April 23, 2010
There are worst things in this world...
People deal with situations and problems and changes in different ways. The way I deal is probably not how most people do, but then again maybe it is. Some people don't like to show their weaknesses and so they keep everything hidden. That's not why I keep it hidden. I like to be strong for people. I'm the type of person who no matter what I am going through I will put my problems aside and help you out. It helps me forget about my problems. it pushes them down further as i think about ways to help my friends out. It's a coping mechanism of mine. once it becomes too much, I push some people away. I become withdrawn and isolated. I think things through on my own through this time. I try to get to the root of things.
One of my friends is worried because I am doing this alone. My response to that person is that I believe its difficult to go through things alone, however, it is always beneficial to have your thoughts in order and to take time to yourself to kind of make a sort of game plan. I need to know myself what exactly it is that is bothering me before I talk to somebody otherwise I end up either 1) confusing myself and others or 2) what they say to me I make it my own just because I don't want to think about what is the root or really is the problem. I honestly believe that people should take the time to kind of sort through everything before they go to others. Others can't help you unless you help yourself first. You have to help yourself and want the help before seeking it from others.
No one really knows what I go through. They can only speculate. I am really good at hiding things. At keeping what I don't want others to see hidden from them. Only when it's gone on too long that everyone catches a glimpse, but even then the extent of my suffering, the extent of my stress is no where seen. I don't like to burden everyone with my problems and for that reason a few bear witness to the real me. The one who is going through a tough time and doesn't know how to handle certain situations, but at the same time I have no doubt that I am going to pull through this. I know I am going to. It won't take long. I know what I need to do and I know what I want. I'm still very optimistic.
I'm sure some people wonder how I can be so happy and go lucky when all this stuff with my family is going on. The probably think it weird, but I know there are worse things out there that are happening. I always think about those things that are happening (I also wish there was something I could do to help, which probably drives me in school). That is why I am NEVER sad or seek sympathy or attention or announce to FB about bad experiences or complain about my life. These things don't need to be announced to the whole world (which seems what I'm doing now but in actuality this is just for me and friends who want to keep updated on how I am doing. I am a woman of words not of speech).
There are people out there whose lives are so much worse then mine in terms of what they are going through. Some are devastated by natural disasters, while others are inflicted with some terrible disease living in poverty. Children left without parents forced to grow up at an early age. I know in all reality my life is excellent. It is the best life anyone could probably ask for. There are situations and events that have occurred and are occurring that I would rather not deal with but I am not a complainer or an attention seeker. My life is what it is. I go through these situations to grow as a person. They help me realize how precious life is. How important relationships are with family and with friends. It teaches me to be selfless and think about the needs of others. It also puts into perspective of what is important in life. It is important for me to know all of this and to keep those close. When I have children these are lessons I want to share with my kids to show them and teach them about life.
At the end of all of this I'm only a stronger person, a better person, a more loving person, who now has the experience to help others who might be going through similar situations and who don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light. We just have to keep holding on....
One of my friends is worried because I am doing this alone. My response to that person is that I believe its difficult to go through things alone, however, it is always beneficial to have your thoughts in order and to take time to yourself to kind of make a sort of game plan. I need to know myself what exactly it is that is bothering me before I talk to somebody otherwise I end up either 1) confusing myself and others or 2) what they say to me I make it my own just because I don't want to think about what is the root or really is the problem. I honestly believe that people should take the time to kind of sort through everything before they go to others. Others can't help you unless you help yourself first. You have to help yourself and want the help before seeking it from others.
No one really knows what I go through. They can only speculate. I am really good at hiding things. At keeping what I don't want others to see hidden from them. Only when it's gone on too long that everyone catches a glimpse, but even then the extent of my suffering, the extent of my stress is no where seen. I don't like to burden everyone with my problems and for that reason a few bear witness to the real me. The one who is going through a tough time and doesn't know how to handle certain situations, but at the same time I have no doubt that I am going to pull through this. I know I am going to. It won't take long. I know what I need to do and I know what I want. I'm still very optimistic.
I'm sure some people wonder how I can be so happy and go lucky when all this stuff with my family is going on. The probably think it weird, but I know there are worse things out there that are happening. I always think about those things that are happening (I also wish there was something I could do to help, which probably drives me in school). That is why I am NEVER sad or seek sympathy or attention or announce to FB about bad experiences or complain about my life. These things don't need to be announced to the whole world (which seems what I'm doing now but in actuality this is just for me and friends who want to keep updated on how I am doing. I am a woman of words not of speech).
There are people out there whose lives are so much worse then mine in terms of what they are going through. Some are devastated by natural disasters, while others are inflicted with some terrible disease living in poverty. Children left without parents forced to grow up at an early age. I know in all reality my life is excellent. It is the best life anyone could probably ask for. There are situations and events that have occurred and are occurring that I would rather not deal with but I am not a complainer or an attention seeker. My life is what it is. I go through these situations to grow as a person. They help me realize how precious life is. How important relationships are with family and with friends. It teaches me to be selfless and think about the needs of others. It also puts into perspective of what is important in life. It is important for me to know all of this and to keep those close. When I have children these are lessons I want to share with my kids to show them and teach them about life.
At the end of all of this I'm only a stronger person, a better person, a more loving person, who now has the experience to help others who might be going through similar situations and who don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light. We just have to keep holding on....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
And so the Journey Begins....
In this post there are two sides of me being shown, reminiscing thoughtful side and the other pessimistic afraid/angry side.
*reminiscing thoughtful side*
This Friday my Nina begins chemotherapy. I was studying when I heard this and a rush of emotions flooded me, memories took over my mind and I was no longer concentrated to study. We've been through chemo, twice. First with my Nino (her husband) and then with my grandma (her mom). Chemo tears the body up. It makes a person weak.
My Nino had zero strength to move around but he kept his humorous attitude up until the very end. He gave me a pretend boyfriend named Pepe. Whenever I went over (which was pretty much everyday, I stayed the weekends) he would ask how Pepe was and what we need. To this day I always remember Pepe. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend I sometimes say, "Yes, his name is Pepe," and then I chortle to myself. He said I needed to get married (I was only 14 almost 15) because he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I always saw my Nino being the one to give me away on my wedding day. My dad was never a father to me. My Nino was pretty much my father. He always wanted what was best for me. When he passed, my dreams of him giving me away on my wedding day disappeared. Seeing him with my children, disappeared. I needed to find new dreams, new desires.
My grandma, such a strong independent woman she was. She rarely asked for help, except for when she desperately needed it. She was strong to the very end. I admire my grandma a lot. No only because she raised my brother James and me, but because of how strong her faith was even to the very end. My grandma read her Bible and spent time with God twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I remember all our conversations about faith and God. She wasn't afraid of dying. She didn't want me to be sad when she passed on. She was going home, she always told me. There was one conversation about faith that we had a few days before she went in to coma to never wake up. She told me (roughly quoting) "Faith is believing in what we can not see. I have faith that you and you're brother are going to be fine. I have faith that your grandpa and tio Eddie and Tracy are waiting for me. God isn't taking me away from you, he is taking me home away from all of this suffering. Don't be sad. Be happy. One day we will see each other again. Keep your faith, Love God with all your heart. He's always with you." She was tired towards the end of this conversation. That Friday, Jan 23, 2004 she went into a coma. I'm not sure who was the last to speak to her...some say it was me, right after I came back from school about 6pm. She asked me what happened. I told her. Kissed her good night because she was waiting up for me and sat by her bed til she fell asleep. She never woke up. Sunday night I wanted to be in the room with my grandma alone but everyone was in there. My aunts were talking, wondering why she hadn't passed on. They knew my grandma wanted to. One of the said, she's worried about the kids (my brother and me). At that moment my brother walked in. I knew what I needed to do. With a strong voice I talked to my grandma. I told her how much she meant to me. How I cherish every moment I had with her. She taught me a lot and I would never forget those. I told her I would watch over my brother the best that I could. I told her it was ok to go home. I kissed her cheeked gave her a hug and walked out the room before I started crying. I fell asleep early that Sunday night. Jan 26, 2004 I woke up at 3:12 am. I sat up in my bed, looked towards my door and looked right above me and said, "Good bye, I love you." I got out of my bed, took the door through the hall way that met my grandmas door and out walked my aunt crying. My grandma had just passed away. A few minutes later, I woke up my brother to tell him. The whole morning up until I needed to leave for school (yes I went to school) I was strong. I was happy. My family probably thought I was crazy, but my grandma didn't want me to be sad. I took care of everyone until I went to school. Once I got to school, it hit me. I was a zombie the whole day, I didn't make it the whole day. At lunch I called my aunt to come get me. I took the whole week off and came to Hayward with my aunt and brother. Funeral day, I was all smiles and happy until I saw her lying there motionless. I broke down. In front of everyone I broke down. My grandma wanted me to sing Amazing Grace. I told her I would. But when it came to it, my aunt asked me and I said I couldn't I knew I wouldn't be able to. Amazing Grace is her favorite song. If I had sang it I would've broken down even more. To this day, every time I hear Amazing Grace I cry. I miss my grandma, my mom.
When I was in Fresno last week that is what came into my head. The final days of my grandma. I don't remember much about my uncles. I remember being there though within minutes after he passed away. My grandma and I were on our way there. But all of this flooded my mind when my Nina told me that she asked Alexis, her granddaughter to sing at her funeral. Alexis said, "I can't do it alone. I know I'll ask Tammy." Maybe this is my time to make up for not singing at my grandmas funeral knowing how much she wanted me to. My grandma once told me she liked hearing me sing. I told my aunt I didn't know if I could do it and I told her about grandma's request. She said "it's different. I'm not what she was to you." That's true, but she still means so much to me. She is like a mom to me as well, as are all the rest of my aunts.
Each one of my aunts has had a hand in shaping who I've become today just as much as my grandma and Nino have. Without some of them I honestly do not know where I would be today. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am today. I hope she makes it through this year. I hope she gets to see her third grandchild. I hope...I hope....
*Pessimistic afraid/angry side*
This Friday my Nina starts chemo. When I first saw my aunt this year after a few months of not seeing her, I could see the effects of her illness. I knew something was wrong. Something bad was going on inside of her body. The way she looked reminded me of the way my Nino, looked when he started getting sick. He looked so thin so skinny after chemo. My aunt hasn't had chemo and she looks just like him. Is it horrible that I already think that she is not going to make it through this year? Is it bad that I have no hope for her in surviving?
I have watched 2 people that I love dearly go through this awful course. Where are they now? Buried six-feet under (She wants to be cremated). I want to believe...that they are in the presence of God, but it's so hard to believe (I still need to write that entry, soon). All I know for sure is they are no longer present in my life. They have left this world. Sooner then I would've liked. My dreams, desires, hopes, all crushed when they died, and yet somehow they have carried on.
The chemo tore both my grandma and my nino up so much that they didn't want to do chemo any more. They were both strong hopeful people. My aunt isn't like that. She does not like pain, she can't tolerate pain. I know within a few months she is going to give up. I have a feeling she already has. I honestly do not believe that she believes that she can get better. Look at me. I'm horrible. I have no hope for her surviving and yet I want her to believe that she can get better. I am not the one going through this. I believe in willpower and conscience willing to get better. With the right attitude and perspective the sick can get better. If they believe that they will get better they will get better. Our emotional response greatly affects our immune system and the bodies ability to fend of foriegn disease and even to defeat cancer cells.
I'm scared. I'm afraid for my aunt. Afraid for my cousins. They are the ones who are going to witness it and go through it all. I do wish I could be in Fresno for them. Helping them through this, taking care of my Nina, but I can't be. I can't even be in Reno to help my cousin out who is losing her left foot...soon. I am torn in 3 different directions and yet I have to settle for the one place I would rather not be while everyone else is doing something to help them out. All I can do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. REPEATed every single day until the end of the quarter...and even then, where do I go? Who do I help? Who do I save?
*reminiscing thoughtful side*
This Friday my Nina begins chemotherapy. I was studying when I heard this and a rush of emotions flooded me, memories took over my mind and I was no longer concentrated to study. We've been through chemo, twice. First with my Nino (her husband) and then with my grandma (her mom). Chemo tears the body up. It makes a person weak.
My Nino had zero strength to move around but he kept his humorous attitude up until the very end. He gave me a pretend boyfriend named Pepe. Whenever I went over (which was pretty much everyday, I stayed the weekends) he would ask how Pepe was and what we need. To this day I always remember Pepe. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend I sometimes say, "Yes, his name is Pepe," and then I chortle to myself. He said I needed to get married (I was only 14 almost 15) because he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I always saw my Nino being the one to give me away on my wedding day. My dad was never a father to me. My Nino was pretty much my father. He always wanted what was best for me. When he passed, my dreams of him giving me away on my wedding day disappeared. Seeing him with my children, disappeared. I needed to find new dreams, new desires.
My grandma, such a strong independent woman she was. She rarely asked for help, except for when she desperately needed it. She was strong to the very end. I admire my grandma a lot. No only because she raised my brother James and me, but because of how strong her faith was even to the very end. My grandma read her Bible and spent time with God twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I remember all our conversations about faith and God. She wasn't afraid of dying. She didn't want me to be sad when she passed on. She was going home, she always told me. There was one conversation about faith that we had a few days before she went in to coma to never wake up. She told me (roughly quoting) "Faith is believing in what we can not see. I have faith that you and you're brother are going to be fine. I have faith that your grandpa and tio Eddie and Tracy are waiting for me. God isn't taking me away from you, he is taking me home away from all of this suffering. Don't be sad. Be happy. One day we will see each other again. Keep your faith, Love God with all your heart. He's always with you." She was tired towards the end of this conversation. That Friday, Jan 23, 2004 she went into a coma. I'm not sure who was the last to speak to her...some say it was me, right after I came back from school about 6pm. She asked me what happened. I told her. Kissed her good night because she was waiting up for me and sat by her bed til she fell asleep. She never woke up. Sunday night I wanted to be in the room with my grandma alone but everyone was in there. My aunts were talking, wondering why she hadn't passed on. They knew my grandma wanted to. One of the said, she's worried about the kids (my brother and me). At that moment my brother walked in. I knew what I needed to do. With a strong voice I talked to my grandma. I told her how much she meant to me. How I cherish every moment I had with her. She taught me a lot and I would never forget those. I told her I would watch over my brother the best that I could. I told her it was ok to go home. I kissed her cheeked gave her a hug and walked out the room before I started crying. I fell asleep early that Sunday night. Jan 26, 2004 I woke up at 3:12 am. I sat up in my bed, looked towards my door and looked right above me and said, "Good bye, I love you." I got out of my bed, took the door through the hall way that met my grandmas door and out walked my aunt crying. My grandma had just passed away. A few minutes later, I woke up my brother to tell him. The whole morning up until I needed to leave for school (yes I went to school) I was strong. I was happy. My family probably thought I was crazy, but my grandma didn't want me to be sad. I took care of everyone until I went to school. Once I got to school, it hit me. I was a zombie the whole day, I didn't make it the whole day. At lunch I called my aunt to come get me. I took the whole week off and came to Hayward with my aunt and brother. Funeral day, I was all smiles and happy until I saw her lying there motionless. I broke down. In front of everyone I broke down. My grandma wanted me to sing Amazing Grace. I told her I would. But when it came to it, my aunt asked me and I said I couldn't I knew I wouldn't be able to. Amazing Grace is her favorite song. If I had sang it I would've broken down even more. To this day, every time I hear Amazing Grace I cry. I miss my grandma, my mom.
When I was in Fresno last week that is what came into my head. The final days of my grandma. I don't remember much about my uncles. I remember being there though within minutes after he passed away. My grandma and I were on our way there. But all of this flooded my mind when my Nina told me that she asked Alexis, her granddaughter to sing at her funeral. Alexis said, "I can't do it alone. I know I'll ask Tammy." Maybe this is my time to make up for not singing at my grandmas funeral knowing how much she wanted me to. My grandma once told me she liked hearing me sing. I told my aunt I didn't know if I could do it and I told her about grandma's request. She said "it's different. I'm not what she was to you." That's true, but she still means so much to me. She is like a mom to me as well, as are all the rest of my aunts.
Each one of my aunts has had a hand in shaping who I've become today just as much as my grandma and Nino have. Without some of them I honestly do not know where I would be today. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am today. I hope she makes it through this year. I hope she gets to see her third grandchild. I hope...I hope....
*Pessimistic afraid/angry side*
This Friday my Nina starts chemo. When I first saw my aunt this year after a few months of not seeing her, I could see the effects of her illness. I knew something was wrong. Something bad was going on inside of her body. The way she looked reminded me of the way my Nino, looked when he started getting sick. He looked so thin so skinny after chemo. My aunt hasn't had chemo and she looks just like him. Is it horrible that I already think that she is not going to make it through this year? Is it bad that I have no hope for her in surviving?
I have watched 2 people that I love dearly go through this awful course. Where are they now? Buried six-feet under (She wants to be cremated). I want to believe...that they are in the presence of God, but it's so hard to believe (I still need to write that entry, soon). All I know for sure is they are no longer present in my life. They have left this world. Sooner then I would've liked. My dreams, desires, hopes, all crushed when they died, and yet somehow they have carried on.
The chemo tore both my grandma and my nino up so much that they didn't want to do chemo any more. They were both strong hopeful people. My aunt isn't like that. She does not like pain, she can't tolerate pain. I know within a few months she is going to give up. I have a feeling she already has. I honestly do not believe that she believes that she can get better. Look at me. I'm horrible. I have no hope for her surviving and yet I want her to believe that she can get better. I am not the one going through this. I believe in willpower and conscience willing to get better. With the right attitude and perspective the sick can get better. If they believe that they will get better they will get better. Our emotional response greatly affects our immune system and the bodies ability to fend of foriegn disease and even to defeat cancer cells.
I'm scared. I'm afraid for my aunt. Afraid for my cousins. They are the ones who are going to witness it and go through it all. I do wish I could be in Fresno for them. Helping them through this, taking care of my Nina, but I can't be. I can't even be in Reno to help my cousin out who is losing her left foot...soon. I am torn in 3 different directions and yet I have to settle for the one place I would rather not be while everyone else is doing something to help them out. All I can do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. REPEATed every single day until the end of the quarter...and even then, where do I go? Who do I help? Who do I save?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Until the next time we meet....
This week I went to Fresno. I missed a week of class and I have a midterm on Monday. I don't think it was a good idea to miss class, but it's more important to be with family then to be in class. I think it was important for me to be there. She was happy to see me. There are times when I'm not sure she even wants me to come visit. I know we have our differences and disagreements. She treats me differently since I've moved out of Fresno. I feel that since I've moved up to the bay area for school that she is mad at me or upset at me for something. I'm not sure if it's because I moved out here...I'm going to sidetrack from here....
*The month before I moved out for school, my aunt got really sick to her stomach. It wasn't very clear what had happened. Since then she has been really sick to her stomach. Her stomach hasn't been the same since. I wonder if she partly blames me for her being sick because I wasn't there to help take care of her. Maybe she feels like I abandoned her...I've grown up a lot since that time...maybe I was being selfish then...or maybe I knew that that was where I needed to be...where my grandma wanted me to be...Even now...I'm torn between 2 aunts and a cousin who really need my help, and all are in different cities.*
...or if it's for some other reason. Sometimes I think she gets jealous of how excited her granddaughters get when I come and visit. I really don't know. I feel like I should talk to her about that and ask her before she's gone, but I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and things that have hurt me. I'm not sure how to bring it up or really what to say. Maybe sometime in the summer when I'm there I'll know when and how and what to say. Until then I won't worry and just focus on school and doing well there.
While there in Fresno, my friend Roland left for Haiti for a year. I didn't think I was going to see him before he left. I thought more then a year was going to go by before I saw him again. But surprise surprise to me...he came at 1:15am Thursday morning, 2 hours before he needed to leave and he still hadn't packed. I felt special. He has really helped me out in gaining more confidence in myself in various aspects of my life. This year will go by fast. As he said that Thursday early morning before he left, everything can change in a year and in this year, I feel like things are going to change drastically.
*The month before I moved out for school, my aunt got really sick to her stomach. It wasn't very clear what had happened. Since then she has been really sick to her stomach. Her stomach hasn't been the same since. I wonder if she partly blames me for her being sick because I wasn't there to help take care of her. Maybe she feels like I abandoned her...I've grown up a lot since that time...maybe I was being selfish then...or maybe I knew that that was where I needed to be...where my grandma wanted me to be...Even now...I'm torn between 2 aunts and a cousin who really need my help, and all are in different cities.*
...or if it's for some other reason. Sometimes I think she gets jealous of how excited her granddaughters get when I come and visit. I really don't know. I feel like I should talk to her about that and ask her before she's gone, but I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and things that have hurt me. I'm not sure how to bring it up or really what to say. Maybe sometime in the summer when I'm there I'll know when and how and what to say. Until then I won't worry and just focus on school and doing well there.
While there in Fresno, my friend Roland left for Haiti for a year. I didn't think I was going to see him before he left. I thought more then a year was going to go by before I saw him again. But surprise surprise to me...he came at 1:15am Thursday morning, 2 hours before he needed to leave and he still hadn't packed. I felt special. He has really helped me out in gaining more confidence in myself in various aspects of my life. This year will go by fast. As he said that Thursday early morning before he left, everything can change in a year and in this year, I feel like things are going to change drastically.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
[insert blog title here]
Up and up....it is probably at the moment my favorite Relient K song. This song is on the Five Score and Seven Years Ago album. Great band. But this entry isn't about the band. No, it's about the song.
Throughout my whole entire life I've dealt with many difficult things; from having a schizophrenic mother to losing several people to death. My life it seems has been filled with bad news, especially at a time I wouldn't want it. This past weekend I found out that my aunt has cancer once again. The prognosis is not good, even with chemo. "Yesterday, is not quite what it could've been, as were most of all the days before." Sure I've had good memories with all the people who have left this world, but we always want more time with them. To us, our time should never be up. God has other plans. He wants us back home, and so even though I may be going through a tough time and struggling. "But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in I'll be trying to make it so much more" I'm gonna live my life. I'm going to make the best of my situation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone who has to face similiar struggles that I have had throughout my life. I know my life isn't the worst it could be, but to me it has been. "Cause it seems I get so hung up on The history of what's gone wrong And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see" We all do it. We all dwell on everything bad that has happened to us. Why? I think its because we think we deserve better. WE want things to go the way we want them. But the truth is it never does. EVER. No matter how much we want them to. I struggle with this a lot. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD" We don't know what God has planned for us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Its amazing how such simple verses, declarations can mean so much and offer so much encouragement. "And though I'm finally catching onto it and now the past is just a conduit and the light there at the end is where I'll be" Sure I'm struggling now and I'm in pain, but these struggles will help me grow, as a person and closer to God. The thing is I need to be willing to allow it to change me. I need to be willing to grasp the change. I need to be willing to grow closer to God. Which is a struggle (I'll save that for another entry). "To be prosperous would not require much of me you see contentment is the one thing it entails" Prosperous. I'm sure everyone has their own definition. (What's yours?) This line is probably my favorite in the song. Really contentment is what makes one prosperous. Sure you can have a lot of money, a great business, and a wonderful famly, but if you always want more are you prosperous? I think contentment is another thing people don't have. That is why we are always searching for more, searching for bigger and greater things. "To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be I'm moving past the past where I have failed" But once we become content with our lives and accept everything going on in our lives, everything seems to get better in a sense. Sure you still see struggles and hard times, but if you embrace them they become bearable they becoming welcoming learning experience and we prosper, in growth. Moving past the past is what we need to do and live in the now. I think better look at your past, review it. Chances are you'll see a learning experience or see something that helped shaped you into the person you are today. I know its that way with me. More and more I dwell on it the more and more I see it. The more and more I can move past it. Just don't spend too much time dwelling on the past. It's the now we need to be living in. "You never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life so when I'm down I'll hold my head up high cause you're the reason why" Looking into my past I see God in places I though I was all alone. God has watched over me my whole entire life. And yet I can't seem to embrace him (again I'll talk about this in another entry). He is the reason why I am where I am today. He is the reason why I'm the person I am today. The people He has placed into my lives to show me His love I see everywhere dispersed into my life. Even though I sometimes deny Him, he has and always be there for me.
Through this tough time again I see people who have been strategically placed in my life. I see that God has also placed me into the lives of my cousin and because of the closeness I have with them I will be able to be a source of light and comfort for them during this time. God is everywhere even if we don't want him to be. He is watching out for all of us. His love for us is tremendous and we can see it in our everyday lives. Brighten someones day by smiling and saying hello, or holding a door open and telling them to have a wonderful day. It not only brightens their day but yours as well.
Here is the song in its full:
Throughout my whole entire life I've dealt with many difficult things; from having a schizophrenic mother to losing several people to death. My life it seems has been filled with bad news, especially at a time I wouldn't want it. This past weekend I found out that my aunt has cancer once again. The prognosis is not good, even with chemo. "Yesterday, is not quite what it could've been, as were most of all the days before." Sure I've had good memories with all the people who have left this world, but we always want more time with them. To us, our time should never be up. God has other plans. He wants us back home, and so even though I may be going through a tough time and struggling. "But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in I'll be trying to make it so much more" I'm gonna live my life. I'm going to make the best of my situation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone who has to face similiar struggles that I have had throughout my life. I know my life isn't the worst it could be, but to me it has been. "Cause it seems I get so hung up on The history of what's gone wrong And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see" We all do it. We all dwell on everything bad that has happened to us. Why? I think its because we think we deserve better. WE want things to go the way we want them. But the truth is it never does. EVER. No matter how much we want them to. I struggle with this a lot. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD" We don't know what God has planned for us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Its amazing how such simple verses, declarations can mean so much and offer so much encouragement. "And though I'm finally catching onto it and now the past is just a conduit and the light there at the end is where I'll be" Sure I'm struggling now and I'm in pain, but these struggles will help me grow, as a person and closer to God. The thing is I need to be willing to allow it to change me. I need to be willing to grasp the change. I need to be willing to grow closer to God. Which is a struggle (I'll save that for another entry). "To be prosperous would not require much of me you see contentment is the one thing it entails" Prosperous. I'm sure everyone has their own definition. (What's yours?) This line is probably my favorite in the song. Really contentment is what makes one prosperous. Sure you can have a lot of money, a great business, and a wonderful famly, but if you always want more are you prosperous? I think contentment is another thing people don't have. That is why we are always searching for more, searching for bigger and greater things. "To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be I'm moving past the past where I have failed" But once we become content with our lives and accept everything going on in our lives, everything seems to get better in a sense. Sure you still see struggles and hard times, but if you embrace them they become bearable they becoming welcoming learning experience and we prosper, in growth. Moving past the past is what we need to do and live in the now. I think better look at your past, review it. Chances are you'll see a learning experience or see something that helped shaped you into the person you are today. I know its that way with me. More and more I dwell on it the more and more I see it. The more and more I can move past it. Just don't spend too much time dwelling on the past. It's the now we need to be living in. "You never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life so when I'm down I'll hold my head up high cause you're the reason why" Looking into my past I see God in places I though I was all alone. God has watched over me my whole entire life. And yet I can't seem to embrace him (again I'll talk about this in another entry). He is the reason why I am where I am today. He is the reason why I'm the person I am today. The people He has placed into my lives to show me His love I see everywhere dispersed into my life. Even though I sometimes deny Him, he has and always be there for me.
Through this tough time again I see people who have been strategically placed in my life. I see that God has also placed me into the lives of my cousin and because of the closeness I have with them I will be able to be a source of light and comfort for them during this time. God is everywhere even if we don't want him to be. He is watching out for all of us. His love for us is tremendous and we can see it in our everyday lives. Brighten someones day by smiling and saying hello, or holding a door open and telling them to have a wonderful day. It not only brightens their day but yours as well.
Here is the song in its full:
"Up And Up"
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed
But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
Oh
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed
But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
Oh
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