What goes up....must come down...

Sometimes it seems the more fun you have the worse the bad news is....

Last night was the Paramore/Relient K/Fun concert. It was amazing fun (lol). The lead singer of fun, Nate Ruess, was also the lead singer to The Format. The Format disbanded in 2008. Soon after Nate joined forces with Andrew Dost of Anthallo and Jack Antonoff of Steeltrain. Together they make fun (lol). "Calm Calm" is probably the song that is in my head right now. They are a pretty nifty indie pop band and you should check them out! Relient k came out next. I had read an interview with Matt T and he said that there was a good mix of new and old material. I was excited. It has been a LONG time since I heard them play their "old" stuff. The set consisted of 3 songs from 2 different albums and the rest from their newest album Forget and not slow down I like Forget and not slow down and they played my favorite songs from the album, Sahara and Therapy. The different songs were Be my escape and Must've done something right (which both are from Mhmm) and another from Two lefts don't make a right...but three do. They also covered a song by Cake called The distance. Where Matt T. and Ethan showed off their pretty amazing trumpeting skills. (My cousin Alexis was making fun of me the whole time during Rk set because I knew every song and which album they went to when it came up. As well as a whole bunch of other information.) I must say Paramore puts on a pretty good show. They interact with their fans, which I think is excellent. That made me like them a little bit more. For one song, Hayley picked a few fans from the front to join her on stage to sing and dance. I think that is pretty amazing of artists to do. To me, it shows that they do care about their fans and appreciate their support.

As the title says "What goes up...must come down..."

I got home about 1:30am to find my Nina gone. I worry. Especially after seeing her yesterday. She looked...I wanted to cry. My Nina is very weak. I texted her phone hoping she had it so I could know what was going on, but I never got a text back. I fell asleep (because of exhaustion around 3. I woke up every 15-20 minutes. I couldn't fully sleep/rest not knowing what was going on. At about 7ish this morning Sam came and told me this: "On Friday they told her she needed a blood transfusion...they put it off until Saturday and then again until Monday. Last night she was really weak. I was scared and worried. I called the ambulance and they picked her up. I followed in the car. She had a really low blood pressure and her sodium was really high. They believe there is an obstruction at the surgery site. They put a nasopharyngl tube down to drain all the bile that was sitting in her stomach. It was kinda cool watching it wiz through the tube. *I chimed in with my 2 cents about how cool that stuff is.* They kept the tube in. At first it was painful but now it is tolerable. They gave her a few pints of blood already. She is stable now."

So much is running through my head that my thoughts are unable to fully form and are not coherent. They are all jumbly. I still don't understand why they didn't give her the blood on Friday. Even the doctor in the ER were wondering the same thing. Why wasn't she given blood? But the important thing is that now she has the blood and now she is stable and now she is doing better then she was. The important thing is now.

Is it horrible that I have lost hope? I should clarify. I don't believe my aunt is going to pull through. I believe she as at the last few months of her life. She will not defeat the cancer and live. But, she will defeat the cancer and die. My aunt is strong and stubborn. As horribly as it is tearing her down she is not going to let it bring her spirits down. I don't want to see her suffering anymore. I don't want her to be in pain. I want her to have peace. She has hope. Not hope that she is going to defeat this but hope that she will be pain free. She is looking forward. In this sense I have hope. Hope that a better place is waiting for her. Hope that she will stay strong and not lose faith. Hope.

Today...Tomorrow...Forever

Today I found out that a friend from high school passed away. We were good friends. He was very smart. Not just book smart. He had a kind, loving heart. He had a beautiful heart for God. His faith was amazing. I remember one time his friend and him spent some time among the homeless. It was amazing to see that they were willing to humble themselves and be willing to go down to nothing. I'll always remember him. The talks we shared, the smiles we exchanged. The willingness he had to help me out when I needed it. A wonderful friend he was to all. Everyone will remember him like that.

This woke me up big time. Life is short. God can call us home at any minute. We need to step up and take control of our lives. We need to set straight our priorities. Put God first and live our lives as if today is our very last day on this earth. Have you told that everyone recently how much they mean to you? Have you called that friend you have been meaning to? Don't save these things for tomorrow. Why do what you can today tomorrow?

I was thinking about him a lot for the past month. I was going to call him many times during that time but never got around to it. Something always came up....and now he is gone and I will never talk to him again...well, until the day I join him in Heaven. I was feeling all sad and for some reason ashamed. Why ashamed I'm not sure. Probably because I could've called him. Sad because I won't get that time back. I won't get to say the things I wish I had told him. My friend told me that as much fun as it would be to hang out with him here he is having fun in heaven. And I told her, "That is the Joy of all of this. He is in a beautiful place."

I know I have been meaning to write the blog about God and my thoughts and everything and God willing I will do that tomorrow. Its important that I let people know just how much God really loves us and how much its ok to struggle and have doubts. God understands us. If I take anything from today its live each day like it's your last because it can be your last day.

"You don't have it so bad"

I have been typing and deleting for the past 20 minutes. Everything I have begun to say came out all jumbled and it made no sense. Not only did it not make any sense it at time began to sound very mean. I wanted to write about my irritations and why its so irritating and frustrating. In the middle of it my very good friend who I had been texting asked me why I couldn't sleep, which led to how my aunt was doing and how I was doing. Those questions brought me back to reality.

It doesn't matter how frustrated I get with people because of how they are. No, it's not. This is a very little thing compared to what my aunt is going through, what my family is going through, and even what the world is going through. Sometimes I lose sight of how horrible life can really truly be. My life, as I have said before is amazing!

Last night, I was watching One Tree Hill, yes I still watch it. Well, Hailey's mother passed away recently from cancer. Hailey is having a hard time coping. She is really depressed. Throughout the whole episode I could sense thoughts of suicide. Maybe I noticed it because I have read up on it. Or maybe its because I'm a very perceptive person. But I think it's because I once had those thoughts.

It may come as a surprise for some people, and I'm not sure why I am sharing this. (Probably in hopes that someone who is thinking those thoughts comes across this entry and it touches them, it changes them, it stops them from doing it.) These thoughts occurred right after my grandma passed away. It became too much. My Nino had passed away a year before she did. The people I was closest to had left me. I felt so alone. I felt like nothing was ever going to be right again. "Its like you're supposed to be sad until the flowers die, then its supposed to be all jokes and reminiscing about the good old time." Haley said this followed by "I have no jokes. In fact I don't want to hear another joke!" She had this whole monologue where she just talked about everything she was feeling. A line that really hit home was something about being fine about things will never be fine. That's how it feels when you lose someone you care so much about and you are so close to. It feels like the world will never be the same. Everything changes when they pass on. Sometimes it feels like a hole is left in your heart. A little bit over time it heals (Grey's anatomy reference to Thursdays episode...it seems a lot of these shows have been addressing this issue...is it preparing me for something causing me to reflect for some reason? Maybe a little more on this topic in another entry). Yet sometimes, it feels like it will never heal, especially right after. The one time I seriously thought about how easy it would be to just end all the hurt all the pain a thought came across my mind that my grandma always said about people who died too early. She always said that we will never know what they could have accomplished in their lifetime. Who knows maybe they could have had the answer to the cure of some horrible disease, maybe they could've contributed so much to society, but we will never know.

What if, I have something great to contribute to society? What if I have something to share with people that can help them or save them? What if I am the answer for some people? These thoughts changed my perspective of my life. Having gone through the thought of ending my life early, I can say I have been in your shoes. I know how easy it would be, but you have to think about what you can do. You may not feel like you mean anything and you may feel like nothing in this world matters. You may feel like you have nothing to offer, but the truth is, to someone you are their world. To someone, you can change their lives. I think sometimes its just easier to give up then to push forward.

Even now, its hard to push forward seeing everything my family, this world has to go through, but the fact is that life is hard. Life is difficult. Life isn't easy, but the people you share your life with and the persepectives you hold can really and truly contribute to how you deal with life's curve balls and life's difficulties. With a solid perspective that your life is truly not that difficult, makes you see how much more difficult other people have it then you do. Even then, those people seem to be so content with the way they live and with their situation. It really makes me think that if they could be so content with so little that they have, how can I always want more when I have more then they do?

It seems the theme in my posts is "You don't have it so bad" and its true. I always want to write about something else but its where my thoughts always lead me. Probably because some people can't seem to grasp that concept and they think their lives are the worst ever. It's also because when I start writing it and I go back to reading it's seems like I'm complaining. I don't like complainers and I don't like to complain because "You don't have it so bad."