Sometimes it feels like it never ends....

I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Physically:

Since the beginning of the month my aunt and I have been packing. I have been packing and working. I felt like I had to do a lot and do as much as I could before my aunt came back from her trip. She had to leave for awhile and I understood why. In the midst of packing and working I got a really bad cold. I was out for a week. I had enough energy to go to work but not enough to do more packing. Packing takes a lot of a person especially when it is emotionally tied.

Emotionally:

This person I considered my aunt did some horrible things to my real aunt. She says she didn't do anything sexual with another woman, she just talked to her. So she didn't cheat on my aunt. But she did cheat on my aunt. She relied emotionally on another woman. She lied and hid things from my aunt. If it didn't mean anything or she wasn't cheating why lie? Why hide these things? Because she knew what she was doing; she knew what it would do, but she didn't care. I know my aunt is hurting. They were together for 10 years. She loves her and I know she always will but she's moving on. This person has become some one we do not know anymore. At times, the person we once knew resurfaces, kind and caring, but lately all we have seen is a selfish person who doesn't care what the people she says she still cares about needs but only cares for her own desires.

In the midst of packing, I find out my mom is in the hospital. I don't know my mom as well I would like to, but we are working on it. We are working on our relationship and getting closer. She went in for an MRI after the neurologist she went to see saw her and wanted to see what was going on. They admitted her right away. After the MRI, the neurosurgeon saw fit to do a biopsy of the tumors he saw. (I wasn't there at the time and wasn't given all the information until later, my mom likes to keep me out of the loop so I don't worry. She never really told me what was going on. Most of the time I think it's because she never really understood what the doctors told and/or asked her. I really wish I could have been there more for her.)

I left the bay area as soon as I found out they were going to do a biopsy on the left side. I didn't make it before she went in and I couldn't see her after but I was there and would see her the next day. From what I was told she looked better than she had before. She was very swollen before. My mom was anxious, so anxious to get out of the hospital. She doesn't like sitting still and prefers to be moving. She continually looked better Sunday. Monday when we went in she looked okay. My aunt and I got there around 8 am. We wanted to catch the doctors and talk to them to see what they were going to do. The nurse came in to start PT since PT was backed up. It was about 3:45 when we left. We were tired and we were going to leave the next day. As we were leaving the nurse came in and said that the surgeon had gotten the results and they were negative for a tumor and she did well on her walk that they were comfortable releasing her from the hospital After her walk though she was exhausted and tired.. That small walk took a lot out of her. She pushed herself though and did more than she should have because she was she was eager to get out of the hospital. About 6 we had a voice message from my aunt H that my mom was in the ICU.

The nurse went in about 4:30ish to start discharge and couldn't get a response from my mom. They intubated her and they found that she had a bleed in her brain. They needed us to give them permission to go in and stop the bleed. That was about a quarter to 7 when I gave them the go. They waited for the rest of the team to arrive to do the surgery. About 8:30 they came out and told us the surgery went well and they stopped the bleed, they were closing her up as he spoke. About 9 the surgeon came to speak with us that the bleed was unrelated to the biopsy and that because she was taking Heparin the bleed couldn't clot. He removed part of her skull and sent it to the bone bank to allow the brain to swell and heal. He told us that my mom has 4 tumors. One on either side of her brain and one in the back and one in her brain stem. When he said brain stem my brain shut down I couldn't hear him while he was explaining what that meant to the rest of the family. I was devastated, in shock. He just said there really wasn't anything they can do except take care of the other tumors. For those of you who do not know, the brain stem is the life source. Everything that we need to live, our heart beating and our lungs breathing is controlled by the brain stem. He explained that he chose to biopsy the left side because it was the biggest and the easiest to take a biopsy of. However, because of the radiation she had awhile ago what that was was dead tissue, a dead tumor, which is why the biopsy was negative. He wants to go in to biopsy the right side to see what we are dealing with. He hasn't seen tumors like this all spread out. Normally they are clustered. Because there isn't anything to do about the brain stem tumor he wants to see what we are dealing with to develop a plan to keep that tumor from growing, because once it gets too big there is nothing we can do. There is nothing that can be done. The tumors are going to take her life.

I had to tell my brother. He deserves to know. Waldo's, my moms boyfriend, niece found my brother and gave him my number. I told him about my mom and he didn't care. He said, "Ya I know, ok." It broke my heart. Not for me but for my mom. I realized at that moment that I can't worry and care about him anymore. He is old enough to make his own decisions and live with them and live with them he will. I don't have anything for him anymore. If he changes then good, but I doubt it.

Mentally:

My mind is going in circles trying to figure out what to do; to figure out what's best for my mom if things get progressively worse. I don't want my mom to suffer. I have already decided that when the time comes that if there is aboslutely nothing they can do they will not take life saving measures. If my mom isn't going to be her I know she wouldn't want that. Its been hard to figure out what I am going to do, what I want to do. I know I am not alone, I have my family but ultimately they will leave the decision to me. It's hard to think about my I have to weigh everything, I have to be prepared. I've never talked to my mom about it because I didn't see a reason to. Although my aunt knows what I want if anything were to happen to me. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what would be best for my mom, of constantly worrying, but I know I will do what is in the best interest of my mother with the help of my family. Thankful: I am so thankful that my mom has an amazing boyfriend who is always by her side and really and truly cares about her. I am so grateful to have my cousin J and his wife and kids. They have been a sort of rock for me because I have to think about the example I want to be for his kids. And he and his wife are there for me with words of wisdom that makes sense, comfort, and love. I'm thankful for my aunts, her sisters, who know the meaning of family. And I am thankful for my friends who have been supportive and encouraging throughout this whole situation. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to leave my moms room feeling so helpless and to get a text from one of you about strength, love, courage, care. It lifts me up and reminds me everything will be okay one way or another especially with friends like you. I love you all very much. And lastly so thankful for my boyfriend, who is doing everything he can to keep me calm and not go nuts out her by myself. Who cares enough to not be out here with me because he is sick and to do what he can for me since I am not working. I love you babe and thank you so very much for everything and listening to me ramble.