Sometimes it feels like it never ends....

I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Physically:

Since the beginning of the month my aunt and I have been packing. I have been packing and working. I felt like I had to do a lot and do as much as I could before my aunt came back from her trip. She had to leave for awhile and I understood why. In the midst of packing and working I got a really bad cold. I was out for a week. I had enough energy to go to work but not enough to do more packing. Packing takes a lot of a person especially when it is emotionally tied.

Emotionally:

This person I considered my aunt did some horrible things to my real aunt. She says she didn't do anything sexual with another woman, she just talked to her. So she didn't cheat on my aunt. But she did cheat on my aunt. She relied emotionally on another woman. She lied and hid things from my aunt. If it didn't mean anything or she wasn't cheating why lie? Why hide these things? Because she knew what she was doing; she knew what it would do, but she didn't care. I know my aunt is hurting. They were together for 10 years. She loves her and I know she always will but she's moving on. This person has become some one we do not know anymore. At times, the person we once knew resurfaces, kind and caring, but lately all we have seen is a selfish person who doesn't care what the people she says she still cares about needs but only cares for her own desires.

In the midst of packing, I find out my mom is in the hospital. I don't know my mom as well I would like to, but we are working on it. We are working on our relationship and getting closer. She went in for an MRI after the neurologist she went to see saw her and wanted to see what was going on. They admitted her right away. After the MRI, the neurosurgeon saw fit to do a biopsy of the tumors he saw. (I wasn't there at the time and wasn't given all the information until later, my mom likes to keep me out of the loop so I don't worry. She never really told me what was going on. Most of the time I think it's because she never really understood what the doctors told and/or asked her. I really wish I could have been there more for her.)

I left the bay area as soon as I found out they were going to do a biopsy on the left side. I didn't make it before she went in and I couldn't see her after but I was there and would see her the next day. From what I was told she looked better than she had before. She was very swollen before. My mom was anxious, so anxious to get out of the hospital. She doesn't like sitting still and prefers to be moving. She continually looked better Sunday. Monday when we went in she looked okay. My aunt and I got there around 8 am. We wanted to catch the doctors and talk to them to see what they were going to do. The nurse came in to start PT since PT was backed up. It was about 3:45 when we left. We were tired and we were going to leave the next day. As we were leaving the nurse came in and said that the surgeon had gotten the results and they were negative for a tumor and she did well on her walk that they were comfortable releasing her from the hospital After her walk though she was exhausted and tired.. That small walk took a lot out of her. She pushed herself though and did more than she should have because she was she was eager to get out of the hospital. About 6 we had a voice message from my aunt H that my mom was in the ICU.

The nurse went in about 4:30ish to start discharge and couldn't get a response from my mom. They intubated her and they found that she had a bleed in her brain. They needed us to give them permission to go in and stop the bleed. That was about a quarter to 7 when I gave them the go. They waited for the rest of the team to arrive to do the surgery. About 8:30 they came out and told us the surgery went well and they stopped the bleed, they were closing her up as he spoke. About 9 the surgeon came to speak with us that the bleed was unrelated to the biopsy and that because she was taking Heparin the bleed couldn't clot. He removed part of her skull and sent it to the bone bank to allow the brain to swell and heal. He told us that my mom has 4 tumors. One on either side of her brain and one in the back and one in her brain stem. When he said brain stem my brain shut down I couldn't hear him while he was explaining what that meant to the rest of the family. I was devastated, in shock. He just said there really wasn't anything they can do except take care of the other tumors. For those of you who do not know, the brain stem is the life source. Everything that we need to live, our heart beating and our lungs breathing is controlled by the brain stem. He explained that he chose to biopsy the left side because it was the biggest and the easiest to take a biopsy of. However, because of the radiation she had awhile ago what that was was dead tissue, a dead tumor, which is why the biopsy was negative. He wants to go in to biopsy the right side to see what we are dealing with. He hasn't seen tumors like this all spread out. Normally they are clustered. Because there isn't anything to do about the brain stem tumor he wants to see what we are dealing with to develop a plan to keep that tumor from growing, because once it gets too big there is nothing we can do. There is nothing that can be done. The tumors are going to take her life.

I had to tell my brother. He deserves to know. Waldo's, my moms boyfriend, niece found my brother and gave him my number. I told him about my mom and he didn't care. He said, "Ya I know, ok." It broke my heart. Not for me but for my mom. I realized at that moment that I can't worry and care about him anymore. He is old enough to make his own decisions and live with them and live with them he will. I don't have anything for him anymore. If he changes then good, but I doubt it.

Mentally:

My mind is going in circles trying to figure out what to do; to figure out what's best for my mom if things get progressively worse. I don't want my mom to suffer. I have already decided that when the time comes that if there is aboslutely nothing they can do they will not take life saving measures. If my mom isn't going to be her I know she wouldn't want that. Its been hard to figure out what I am going to do, what I want to do. I know I am not alone, I have my family but ultimately they will leave the decision to me. It's hard to think about my I have to weigh everything, I have to be prepared. I've never talked to my mom about it because I didn't see a reason to. Although my aunt knows what I want if anything were to happen to me. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what would be best for my mom, of constantly worrying, but I know I will do what is in the best interest of my mother with the help of my family. Thankful: I am so thankful that my mom has an amazing boyfriend who is always by her side and really and truly cares about her. I am so grateful to have my cousin J and his wife and kids. They have been a sort of rock for me because I have to think about the example I want to be for his kids. And he and his wife are there for me with words of wisdom that makes sense, comfort, and love. I'm thankful for my aunts, her sisters, who know the meaning of family. And I am thankful for my friends who have been supportive and encouraging throughout this whole situation. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to leave my moms room feeling so helpless and to get a text from one of you about strength, love, courage, care. It lifts me up and reminds me everything will be okay one way or another especially with friends like you. I love you all very much. And lastly so thankful for my boyfriend, who is doing everything he can to keep me calm and not go nuts out her by myself. Who cares enough to not be out here with me because he is sick and to do what he can for me since I am not working. I love you babe and thank you so very much for everything and listening to me ramble.

Is it horrible that.....

When I need to talk to someone the first thing I think is "Nope can't talk to him (bf), if only my friend and I were in a better place."? I want more than anything to be able to talk to Brian, for him to be the one I go to when life becomes too much. Is it bad that I can't depend on him for that?

I feel so alone right now in carrying all of this. It feels too much like it's all crumbling and falling to pieces again. I don't know if I can survive another breaking. I am barely making it through the last one; I'm not through it yet. I will shatter for sure. I wish my best friend was here...I miss her terribly.

For now I guess I let my emotions take over...I hate giving in...

Will it ever get better?

I had another dream about her last night. I keep having dreams about her. Maybe that's wh I haven't been sleeping. I don't want to ave dreams of her I wake up feeling...lost. I miss her so much; I hate not having her here n this world anymore. In this I couldn't get to her to help her. I was left on the outside to watch her suffer, to be in pain. I can't take it anymore.

For some reason this year is so much harder; I can only imagine how 2014 will be like when it will have been 10 years. It's been 9 years since my Nino passed...maybe that's why it is so much harder. I find myself on the verge of tears more often than not. Any and every little thing triggers the tears.

I sometimes wish I could just cut myself off from the rest of the world. Come out only when necessary. Other times I just want to slice into myself to feel real pain, not emotional pain. And yet other times I know how ridiculous I am, but its easier being ridiculous than it is being true.

They say it gets easier with time...I guess eventually it will. Until then we'll see what happens...

Mended....but never the same....

Have you ever patched a pair of jeans or an old stuffed animal that you carried everywhere with you when you were little? Have you ever noticed that it's never the same? There is the fragility of it. It's been torn, it's been.damages. it doesn't have the same strength and integrity has it once had. It's just not the same as it used to be.

There are many things in life that resonants that truth. A broken friendship. Once it's mended it is never what it once was. Sure it can come close, but its fragile. It's approached with ease and carefulness as if approaching a stray dog. What was once free is plagued by what if thoughts that you can start censoring yourself. The truth to that is that there isn't honesty, complete honesty.

You can't change what you did but you can learn from it. You can avoid the very topic of what broke it. But what if that thing that broke it is what makes you happy? They want share your happiness but what do you do when that happiness is what caused a fallout?

It's hard when that one person who as always there for you, that you could always count on, is no longer readily available. It changes something inside of you and makes you more conscious of your actions and your words towards others.

I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy for the second time and I couldn't help but compare Katniss's relationship with her bestfriend Gale and her love interest Preeta to my own situation again. I can't say much for fear if spoiling the books for those who might be interested in reading it, but I can relate as maybe most people can in some way.

January is never an easy month for me. This year for some reason is harder. It could be the fact that my best friend lives in Oklahoma now and she isn't a few hours away anymore. It could be that my best guy friend and I relationship has changed. They'll always be there for me I know, but it's different.

As we grow older life changes relationships and changes outlooks on life and repriortizes our lives. I wish we were closer. I wish they weren't so far away, in distance and in feeling...

Inconsiderate fools

So here is a little rant.....

Do you see what the writing on the wall says? It says "It is federal law to give up these seats to seniors & people with disabilities."

I absolutely hate hate hate hate when people, usually young able bodied people or fit able bodied people, sit in these seats and see an elderly person or someone who walks with a cane, come on the BART or bus and don't even offer up their seat. It doesn't matter if its federal law, what's important here is respect and common courtesy. I mean seriously how hard is it to walk to the middle of the car or bus and and sit? Seniors and people with disabilities may not be able to.get up fast enough and make the stop, especially on BART. I sincerely hope one day these people are treated the way that they have treated others.

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Music Monday: Mc Chris "Nerd Grrl"

It has been 3 months since Brian and I have been together and it has been the best 3 months :) He is beyond more than I could have asked for! Even though we aren't physically together except for a day or two every so often, I feel closer to him then anyone else I have ever been with. He brings out the person I am. I don't have to hide any part of me.
Well since today is Monday, I thought I would share a song. I asked Brian what song reminded him of me. Here is that song it is, "Nerd Grrl" by Mc Chris. Enjoy

Once again....

I don't know why it happens, but it always does. After an incredible time I get knocked down. It never fails. It's like I'm being punished for having a good time.
Sometimes I hate myself. It's easier than loving myself. I mean what have I accomplished in my 24 years? I had this plan since I could remember and it all came crashing down one year. I had faith in God I had trust in this thing I couldn't see and why? I gave up on it on God. I mean ya I believe in something higher than myself but God? I mean I don't see how someone can have faith and trust in something when all that has been seen and felt is pain? I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense, or maybe I'm making complete sense; either way, I'm happy for the most part.
I don't have it in me to write anymore right now...maybe later this week. I'll try not to disappear for months from this...I need a picture update yay! :)