Moving on...

I had a dream the other day. It was pretty interesting. I am going to share this interesting dream with you and what I think it means.

The ocean was rising. It was rising rapidly. All the bridges were already under water. Andrew and I made our way out to this house that was on this cliff. The water was following us. Creeping up on us everytime we moved. When we got to the cliff it couldn't make its way up. We were safe for now. Then the dream changed. I was in the house I grew up in. My grandma (she passed away in high school) was there. She had a suitcase packed and she was cooking. I was trying to get my grandma to leave the house, but she wouldn't. She said she would leave her house once the water started to take over. Just then the water started to creep into the house. She pulled out the handle to her suitcase and she said lets go. (She was speaking to me in spanish.) I took her suitcase from her and took it to the car. I thought that was a good idea to have clothes. I ran back into the house and packed a few things for myself as well as for Andrew thinking he would want other things then just what he was wearing. I went back into the car and we left. The water was following us. Creeping up on us. We got to the house on the cliff where Andrew was. When we got there, the water was almost over the cliff. Andrew came out of the house, the water was starting to creep in. He took the bag from me and took my hand and we walked away from the house. My grandma didn't follow.

That was my dream. I've always been interested in dreams and interpreting them. Dreams can give us an insight into our subconscience. I looked up what water meant and bridges.

To dream water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions. This seems reasonable considering my last blog.

To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. I've made a few decisions this past month. I am starting the nursing program in a week. That is a change a positive change that is definitely positive.

I looked at the significance of what the little things in my dream may mean. In doing so, I have come up with an interpretation.

I have been a huge ball of emotions. I have been working on some things and trying to let go of other things, like the death of my grandma. I think her with her suitcase symbolizes that I am letting her go. I am moving on from what has been and what could have been and looking forward to life now. I will still remember all the times we had together always but its time to live in the now. I think thats why we crossed the bridg.e

I really believe I am finally moving on and letting go. Since that dream I have felt different. I have felt a relief like a weight has been lifted. I feel more happy as well. Its just been a different feeling but a good different and I'm happy about that. I am happy that I am finally able to let go and move on. Experience new things and make new memories with my friends and family.

Forward Motion

I was going to write a poor me entry. Oh poor me this, poor me that, but I changed my mind. I realized that that isn't who I am. Its not what I stand for. Yes, its ok to feel sorry for yourself. Its ok to think everything seems to always go wrong. However, it's not good to dwell on it. This may seem like a poor me at the beginning but thats not its intentions.

I've been feeling so....so...I don't even know how to describe it. I've been feeling very down. I feel at times I can't go on. I rememeber times before in the past when I would feel like this. My immediate response was always how can I bring physical pain to myself to numb the pain I feel inside? How can I feel more alive.

This time, those thoughts didn't come in my head like they used to. I once thought where is the safety pin. (I liked using the safety pin. Kind of a funny name for something that can hurt. The point is dull not sharp like a knife or blade, but it takes a lot more time to make a cut. The pain that is felt isn't instant, it is gradual.) But, I never acted on it. I pushed that thought out of my head. It wasn't what I wanted to do.

I just wanted to talk to someone. To know someone felt like I did, that I wasn't the only one struggling. It all feels like a dream, like I am not real.

Everytime I tried to talk to say something to the person I wanted to, it would feel like they didn't want to, like they were pushing me away. (Maybe I was doing the pushing...I don't know.) I don't open up to a lot of people and it's very rare when I begin to. Since then, I have kind of been closed off. Probably to the point of pushing them away.

The past two weeks or so I have cried every single night. That is not me.

I texted my friend last night. I had a sudden realization that I never sincerely apologized for causing him pain time and time again. (I was thinking about how whenever I get hurt people don't seem to apologize for their actions or words. They do so because I say something about an apology. So when they do apologize it isn't that sincere.) He's always been such an amazing friend. He sent a text asking what was going on. He didn't wait for me to answer, he called me. I don't usually answer the phone when he calls. I almost didn't, but something in me was telling me that I needed to and so I did. I am glad I listened to that little voice.

I answered and he asks what's wrong. My normal reply is nothing. He knows me better then that. He asks again and I reply with the normal nothing. He asks one more time and says "What's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because something is wrong. You have done 3 uncharacteristic things. You are crying and you don't cry easily. You answered the phone you hardly ever answer the phone. And you answered the phone crying something you never do. Don't tell me nothing is wrong because something is wrong. Now spill."

Sometimes its like he knows me better then myself. Sometimes I can just start to say what it is I'm feeling without know the words I want to use and he knows. He just knows how I am feeling what I want to say. I never know how to say things how to word it. I think it's mostly because I am afraid to share. Afraid for someone to know me so intimately and yet he knows me like that. Why I am not sure. I have tried to figure this out. Maybe it's because he pushes his way through...no that can't be it. I think it is because he knows what it is thats going on without me having to say it. It's as if he is in my head.

Everything is beginning to change for me. I have entered the nursing program and going to learn and go forward with my life in a career that I am excited about. As excited as I am, I am also sad. Sad that the people who have always been so important to me are not here to watch me grow. They aren't here to see the person I am becoming. I feel like things would be different if my grandma was still here, if my Nino was still here. Its hard to continue life to push forward to go on.

My friend pointed out that I never really grieved for any of them. I found ways to numb the pain instead of facing them head on.

I think now its finally all coming at me at once because of the changes and how I am feeling towards this new chapter of my life.

I know I need to attack all of this straight forward. I can't numb the pain anymore. I need to face that which I have been avoiding. I can't afford to have breakdowns. I can't afford to have to deal with these things during the next 2.5 years. I need to be completely invested and focus on my schooling. I need to study hard and work hard to be the best that I can as a nurse.

My friend and I talked about several things. Well, maybe he talked more then me, I was in tears through most of it, but everything he said was everything I couldn't voice. The question of should I be in a relationship right now came up. It has been something I have been thinking about. Should I really be involved in something when I have so much I need to deal with? I still don't know. I still don't have an answer. He thinks I shouldn't be. A small part of me thinks a small part of him said this for selfish purposes, but he may be right. It's possible that when things get unbearable that I may push the boundaries and use it to numb the pain. He turned the tables. He does some of the same things that I do and he asked me what I would have told him. How I deal with the pain isn't the way to deal with it. It just numbs it for a little while but when it comes back it comes back much more then before. It builds until it becomes too much. I am at that point. I am at the point where I have to face it I need to deal with it.

I started to face some of the things last night with my friend. He talked me through. I hadn't realized how deep I had gotten. How lost I was. I know part of it is I turned my back on God. I had chosen to forget some truths because I am angry. Things could be a whole lot worse for me. I know that because of Him they aren't that bad. I know because of him I have my wonderful friend who has been trying to help me face all of this for a very long time. But like I've said before you can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I want help now. I want to move past this. I want to be able to let go and move forward and begin to fully enjoy and live life. I know that is what my grandma would want most for me. I know that is what my Nino would want for me. As well as my Nina. They wouldn't want me to feel so much pain. They wouldn't want me to be stuck. They want me to continue my life. To live and serve the one who has created us, the one who gives us life, the one watches over each and everyone of us.

I'll probably always have this struggle with Him, but that discussion is for another time.