Forward Motion

I was going to write a poor me entry. Oh poor me this, poor me that, but I changed my mind. I realized that that isn't who I am. Its not what I stand for. Yes, its ok to feel sorry for yourself. Its ok to think everything seems to always go wrong. However, it's not good to dwell on it. This may seem like a poor me at the beginning but thats not its intentions.

I've been feeling so....so...I don't even know how to describe it. I've been feeling very down. I feel at times I can't go on. I rememeber times before in the past when I would feel like this. My immediate response was always how can I bring physical pain to myself to numb the pain I feel inside? How can I feel more alive.

This time, those thoughts didn't come in my head like they used to. I once thought where is the safety pin. (I liked using the safety pin. Kind of a funny name for something that can hurt. The point is dull not sharp like a knife or blade, but it takes a lot more time to make a cut. The pain that is felt isn't instant, it is gradual.) But, I never acted on it. I pushed that thought out of my head. It wasn't what I wanted to do.

I just wanted to talk to someone. To know someone felt like I did, that I wasn't the only one struggling. It all feels like a dream, like I am not real.

Everytime I tried to talk to say something to the person I wanted to, it would feel like they didn't want to, like they were pushing me away. (Maybe I was doing the pushing...I don't know.) I don't open up to a lot of people and it's very rare when I begin to. Since then, I have kind of been closed off. Probably to the point of pushing them away.

The past two weeks or so I have cried every single night. That is not me.

I texted my friend last night. I had a sudden realization that I never sincerely apologized for causing him pain time and time again. (I was thinking about how whenever I get hurt people don't seem to apologize for their actions or words. They do so because I say something about an apology. So when they do apologize it isn't that sincere.) He's always been such an amazing friend. He sent a text asking what was going on. He didn't wait for me to answer, he called me. I don't usually answer the phone when he calls. I almost didn't, but something in me was telling me that I needed to and so I did. I am glad I listened to that little voice.

I answered and he asks what's wrong. My normal reply is nothing. He knows me better then that. He asks again and I reply with the normal nothing. He asks one more time and says "What's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because something is wrong. You have done 3 uncharacteristic things. You are crying and you don't cry easily. You answered the phone you hardly ever answer the phone. And you answered the phone crying something you never do. Don't tell me nothing is wrong because something is wrong. Now spill."

Sometimes its like he knows me better then myself. Sometimes I can just start to say what it is I'm feeling without know the words I want to use and he knows. He just knows how I am feeling what I want to say. I never know how to say things how to word it. I think it's mostly because I am afraid to share. Afraid for someone to know me so intimately and yet he knows me like that. Why I am not sure. I have tried to figure this out. Maybe it's because he pushes his way through...no that can't be it. I think it is because he knows what it is thats going on without me having to say it. It's as if he is in my head.

Everything is beginning to change for me. I have entered the nursing program and going to learn and go forward with my life in a career that I am excited about. As excited as I am, I am also sad. Sad that the people who have always been so important to me are not here to watch me grow. They aren't here to see the person I am becoming. I feel like things would be different if my grandma was still here, if my Nino was still here. Its hard to continue life to push forward to go on.

My friend pointed out that I never really grieved for any of them. I found ways to numb the pain instead of facing them head on.

I think now its finally all coming at me at once because of the changes and how I am feeling towards this new chapter of my life.

I know I need to attack all of this straight forward. I can't numb the pain anymore. I need to face that which I have been avoiding. I can't afford to have breakdowns. I can't afford to have to deal with these things during the next 2.5 years. I need to be completely invested and focus on my schooling. I need to study hard and work hard to be the best that I can as a nurse.

My friend and I talked about several things. Well, maybe he talked more then me, I was in tears through most of it, but everything he said was everything I couldn't voice. The question of should I be in a relationship right now came up. It has been something I have been thinking about. Should I really be involved in something when I have so much I need to deal with? I still don't know. I still don't have an answer. He thinks I shouldn't be. A small part of me thinks a small part of him said this for selfish purposes, but he may be right. It's possible that when things get unbearable that I may push the boundaries and use it to numb the pain. He turned the tables. He does some of the same things that I do and he asked me what I would have told him. How I deal with the pain isn't the way to deal with it. It just numbs it for a little while but when it comes back it comes back much more then before. It builds until it becomes too much. I am at that point. I am at the point where I have to face it I need to deal with it.

I started to face some of the things last night with my friend. He talked me through. I hadn't realized how deep I had gotten. How lost I was. I know part of it is I turned my back on God. I had chosen to forget some truths because I am angry. Things could be a whole lot worse for me. I know that because of Him they aren't that bad. I know because of him I have my wonderful friend who has been trying to help me face all of this for a very long time. But like I've said before you can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I want help now. I want to move past this. I want to be able to let go and move forward and begin to fully enjoy and live life. I know that is what my grandma would want most for me. I know that is what my Nino would want for me. As well as my Nina. They wouldn't want me to feel so much pain. They wouldn't want me to be stuck. They want me to continue my life. To live and serve the one who has created us, the one who gives us life, the one watches over each and everyone of us.

I'll probably always have this struggle with Him, but that discussion is for another time.