"You don't have it so bad"

I have been typing and deleting for the past 20 minutes. Everything I have begun to say came out all jumbled and it made no sense. Not only did it not make any sense it at time began to sound very mean. I wanted to write about my irritations and why its so irritating and frustrating. In the middle of it my very good friend who I had been texting asked me why I couldn't sleep, which led to how my aunt was doing and how I was doing. Those questions brought me back to reality.

It doesn't matter how frustrated I get with people because of how they are. No, it's not. This is a very little thing compared to what my aunt is going through, what my family is going through, and even what the world is going through. Sometimes I lose sight of how horrible life can really truly be. My life, as I have said before is amazing!

Last night, I was watching One Tree Hill, yes I still watch it. Well, Hailey's mother passed away recently from cancer. Hailey is having a hard time coping. She is really depressed. Throughout the whole episode I could sense thoughts of suicide. Maybe I noticed it because I have read up on it. Or maybe its because I'm a very perceptive person. But I think it's because I once had those thoughts.

It may come as a surprise for some people, and I'm not sure why I am sharing this. (Probably in hopes that someone who is thinking those thoughts comes across this entry and it touches them, it changes them, it stops them from doing it.) These thoughts occurred right after my grandma passed away. It became too much. My Nino had passed away a year before she did. The people I was closest to had left me. I felt so alone. I felt like nothing was ever going to be right again. "Its like you're supposed to be sad until the flowers die, then its supposed to be all jokes and reminiscing about the good old time." Haley said this followed by "I have no jokes. In fact I don't want to hear another joke!" She had this whole monologue where she just talked about everything she was feeling. A line that really hit home was something about being fine about things will never be fine. That's how it feels when you lose someone you care so much about and you are so close to. It feels like the world will never be the same. Everything changes when they pass on. Sometimes it feels like a hole is left in your heart. A little bit over time it heals (Grey's anatomy reference to Thursdays episode...it seems a lot of these shows have been addressing this issue...is it preparing me for something causing me to reflect for some reason? Maybe a little more on this topic in another entry). Yet sometimes, it feels like it will never heal, especially right after. The one time I seriously thought about how easy it would be to just end all the hurt all the pain a thought came across my mind that my grandma always said about people who died too early. She always said that we will never know what they could have accomplished in their lifetime. Who knows maybe they could have had the answer to the cure of some horrible disease, maybe they could've contributed so much to society, but we will never know.

What if, I have something great to contribute to society? What if I have something to share with people that can help them or save them? What if I am the answer for some people? These thoughts changed my perspective of my life. Having gone through the thought of ending my life early, I can say I have been in your shoes. I know how easy it would be, but you have to think about what you can do. You may not feel like you mean anything and you may feel like nothing in this world matters. You may feel like you have nothing to offer, but the truth is, to someone you are their world. To someone, you can change their lives. I think sometimes its just easier to give up then to push forward.

Even now, its hard to push forward seeing everything my family, this world has to go through, but the fact is that life is hard. Life is difficult. Life isn't easy, but the people you share your life with and the persepectives you hold can really and truly contribute to how you deal with life's curve balls and life's difficulties. With a solid perspective that your life is truly not that difficult, makes you see how much more difficult other people have it then you do. Even then, those people seem to be so content with the way they live and with their situation. It really makes me think that if they could be so content with so little that they have, how can I always want more when I have more then they do?

It seems the theme in my posts is "You don't have it so bad" and its true. I always want to write about something else but its where my thoughts always lead me. Probably because some people can't seem to grasp that concept and they think their lives are the worst ever. It's also because when I start writing it and I go back to reading it's seems like I'm complaining. I don't like complainers and I don't like to complain because "You don't have it so bad."