So I haven't written an entry in so long. Nursing school has definitely been keeping busy, but I haven't really had anything blog worthy..until recently.
On the 23rd my aunt and I went last minute gift shopping. We were pulling into the Target parking lot, and my aunt (I keep wanting to say my grandma...Christmas was her favorite time of the year) mentioned something. She was giving me a challenge. She noticed, thinks that I have a hard time forgiving people, and its the people that I care most about. She says that it's easy for me to forgive but for those I really care about I hold onto it. I don't forgive them.
She brought up Greg. She said I should try to forgive Greg. Then went into the schpeel about noticing that I have a hard time forgiving people I care most about. I asked her what there was to forgive. Its not like he's really bothered to say anything about it even though I have asked and so I have. She said, if I ever decide to give him another chance to talk to him and to forgive him....forgive him....
Then she brought up my mother. She said it wasn't until recently that I have really forgiven my mother. I forgave my mother when I was 16. When I was 16 I thoroughly understood why she ws never around, why she did the things that she did when I was little. It wasn't her fault. She is sick. She didn't have it under control. She didn't know how to take care of it. As I got older, I noticed that she did try to get her life together and to take care of herself. My mom and I will never have a mother daughter relationship, but I always knew that. However, that doesn't mean that there can't be some type of relationship. I talk to her at least once a week to see how she is doing.
Its my dad that I have a hard time forgiving. He did the right thing by not seeking custody of me and letting my grandma raise me. He did right for me, but when it came to my brothers and sisters (his second chance) he screwed it up. I don't know if I could ever forgive him. I know one day will, but right now I won't. He messed up big time with them. I wish there was something I could have done for them, but I couldn't. I feel horrible for beinga bad sister, but I know I wasn't. I know I am not. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I love them to pieces and wish there was more I could do for them.
My brother, I havent forgiven him. He has his whole life ahead of him and he chooses to throw it away with drugs. Sure he has a mental disorder like my mother, but he can have it under control and he chooses not to. We could be having a normal conversation and a normal relationship, but he chooses his way of life. I guess I shouldn't be holding anything against him, it is his life, but I love him. The people I love the most always end up hurting me ALWAYS. I don't know how I am supposed to forgive these people. It's really hard when you have been hurt over and over and over again.
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I Totally understand your holding out on forgivng those who are closest to you who have wronged you. When you think about it, it's easier to forgive someone who isn't that close to you because it's so much easier to just say "whatever you're not even that important to me so I forgive you now go away if I never see you again that would be fine." But when people you have known your whole life wrong you, it's almost incomprehensible how they could do that to you and I agree it destroys your trust from that point on because if someone who is supposed to be there for you Always is willing or able to do that to you then what hope is there? And then you not only have the problem of forgiving them for what they did to you originally, but then you have the problem of them destroying your ability to trust again, or at the very least making it that much harder to trust someone new ever again I get that. I mean I and I'm sure you do to, have a few select people who I would Never imagine would wrong me but that's the thing, you never do know because I HAD other friends who I thought the SAME thing and well let's just say we're not friends anymore. But at the same time, you can't just not trust anyone ever again, you have to have hope that there are those people out there who truly will not sell you out, I mean just look at yourself, you know that there are people you have in your life that YOU will NEVER sell out so if you yourself won't do that then there MUST be hope that there are other people out there who feel the same way, there's Always hope I guess is my point! :)
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